


The Curse of the Rat

by Abyssia



Category: Fruits Basket
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon Expansion, F/M, Family Drama, One-Sided Attraction
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-20
Updated: 2014-08-22
Packaged: 2018-01-09 09:05:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 27,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1144124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Abyssia/pseuds/Abyssia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The story of Kanae, a Sohma child born on the fringes of the Family's curse. Free to live and love outside the walls, but still, she is bound by the curse that passed her by, and yet left her as trapped as any of the Zodiac.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Curse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A brief forward: this story does focus heavily on OCs, but I assure you that I have taken great pains to make sure that this fits within the Canon. There are some expansions and slight modifications to the nature of the curse, as the explanation in the manga is rather vague. This originally sparked from the question of what would happen if one of the cursed were born with a twin sibling. It has developed and blossomed from there. I hope you enjoy.

    As a member of the Sohma family, I am expected to be, in every way; Excellent. Good grades, perfect manners and a flawless presentation. We are upper-class. An old and long-standing family. Bound by tradition, and social mandate; and by a curse. When I was very young, it was just a legend. The whisper at the New Year’s banquet; that the spirits of the zodiac are passed down. Symbolically, as I was told. After each member died, the next child conceived takes their place. Then, they and their family are showered with money and high-status. The ones born too early, or too late, or not at all, tossed outside the walls, and led to believe that it is nothing but a symbolic tradition.

    This is what I believed, until the day when I finally met my half-brother.  
We were conceived through the same motivation. The previous rat’s health was declining, so the pressure to have children was heightened. The men, taking up any woman wanting the status.  
It was the first New Year’s celebration I fully remember. I was probably about six. My foster mother, Misaki, brought me, she was very tense, and her smile painted. Only now do I understand why.

    Before the Juunishi go to their special banquet, they mingle with the rest of the extended family. Misaki pointed out each one, telling me which animal they represented.  
“...and that tall young man with the dark hair over one eye...he’s the dragon. Hatori. Can you say his name?”  
    “Hatori.” She still treated me like a toddler at times. But she drilled me, making sure I knew all their names.  
“And that’s Yuki.”  
“Yuki. He looks like me!” A child’s discovery. I knew my silver hair and eyes was uncommon among the dark haired population.  
“Yes, yes he does.” Then she left me with other Outside children to exude pleasantries with our relatives.

    The rat. He was small. Delicate and wispy looking to me. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of him. He’s always had that quality about him. He was rare. Like a piece of art, or a flower. You wanted to behold him.  
I was too young to know that staring was rude, so that’s probably why I was the only one to notice him slip away from the crowd.  
    “Yuki-san?” I caught him in an outside corridor.  
His eyes widened in fear when he saw me. “I-I’m not supposed to talk to you-- Okaa-san will get mad!”  
I tilted my head to the side. Silver curls begging to be free from their clips. “Why?”  
    “I-I don’t know.” He spoke so quietly, and carefully.  
“Then why? You look like me. Do you know why?” I somehow knew it wasn’t a coincidence. I knew that there was something important and heavy weighing in the air.  
“Please-- leave me alone. D-don’t get any closer!”  
“Why?” I began to take more tentative steps towards him, pursuing him in his retreat. He was swift, but weighed down by his heavy traditional kimono. I didn’t want to accept that fear on his face. “Wait!” I ran, grabbing hold of his kimono, and simultaneously tripping on mine. For a split second, he cried out, before he seemed to be consumed by smoke and clothing. “Huh??” I held in my hands, empty robes. And sure enough, a small silver rat squirmed out. Scampering away.  
“The...rat?” It wasn’t a shock. It made sense, he was after all, the Rat of the Zodiac.

  “What the _hell_ is going on here!? Yuki?” I turned to see a slender platinum-haired woman storm in; his mother. “What did you do? Worthless child!?” She grabbed me by my collar. Holding me up so forcefully, I wanted to cry.  
“I--I didn’t mean to--” She slapped me. So hard that I saw spots. She let me fall dazed to ground. It was all I could do to run away. Convinced I had done something horribly wrong.  
    Misaki found me the next morning. Near the wall. She told me later, that there was also a white haired boy there too. It was dark, but she thought that it was the Ox boy, Hatsuharu.  
    Needless to say, we didn’t go to another new year’s party for quite some time.

 

* * *

 

    We were then moved into a house on the “inside”. While this was perceived by most in the family as a great honour, we found that it was hardly more than a formality. The house was an old and decrepit one located near an area of the wall that was crumbling with overgrown plants and murky ponds. We became one of the privileged alright.     Misaki had known all along, my discovery of the true nature of the curse only hastened our placement there.  
Around the time of my 8th birthday, Misaki surprised me with signing me up for karate lessons at the Sohma Dojo.

    “It’ll be fun! You’ve always been very active! This will help you channel all your energy! Plus you can do it with all your friends.” ‘Friends’ was a very generous term. The Sohma children that I spent time with all thought I was weird. Quiet and brooding. Always saying weird things at random times. “Also, you can meet some of the Juunishi who also go there!”  
    “Does- does Yuki go there?”  
“Yes!”  
“Mom! Don’t you remember what happened _last_ time I saw him?”  
She sighed, her smile fading only slightly. “Yes, but I _highly_ doubt any of that will be a problem. They go to certain measures to avoid, _discovery_.”  
“I still don’t get why it’s such a big deal. They turn into animals. Big whoop.”  
    Misaki has always been gracious and understanding with me.  
“I thought that you’d understand, Kane-chan.”  
“I guess, I mean, people might be shocked. But, it’s still strange.”  
“I’m sure that with a mind like yours, you’ll understand it even better than I do, someday.” She patted me on the head.  
“Okay.” I replied in defeat.

 

* * *

 

    I was taken to Kazuma-shishou’s dojo the next week. I got my uniform and began with the other beginners. I took to it quickly, always being a fast learner. Over the months I gained several new “Friends”. Girls that I sat with occasionally during breaks and talked with about simple things. There was however, a point when I realised my distaste for them and their vindictive manners. That was when I first befriended Kagura, the Boar.

    “Hey Kanae,” One of the girls addressed me casually. “You coming to Karaoke this weekend?” Some of the other girls snickered.  
“I bet Kanae can’t sing at all! It’ll be fun!” They seemed to think that was funny.  
I shrugged. “I don’t know, am I invited?”  
“Yeah, of course you are, I asked you didn’t I?”  
I remained silent, taking a bite of my Onigiri. “I don’t really know that many popular songs.”  
She rolled her eyes. “C’mon, that’s beside the point! You’re just supposed to go and have fun!”  
I took another silent bite. “Is Kagura-san invited?” They all started laughing again.  
“What, seriously? Is that some kind of joke? You’re pretty funny!” I stared at her blankly, standing up from the group. “Hey! Where are you going?”

    I didn’t answer them. But I could still hear them whispering. I just didn’t understand. If they didn’t like me, why were they always asking me to hang out?  
I walked around the corner to see Kazuma-shishou just finishing up preparing for the next block.  
“Shishou?” I asked meekly.  
Kazuma smiled warmly at me. “Yes Kanae-chan? What is it?”  
“Have you seen Kagura-san anywhere?”  
He laughed. “Yes, I think she’s still in the sparring hall.” I nodded and began walking away.  
“And Kanae?”  
“Yes, Shishou?”  
  
   He smiled warmly. “You don’t need to be quite so formal around here.”

I nodded. “Okay, Kazuma.” I said simply, walking away with a thankful nod.  
Kagura was indeed in the sparring hall, she was practicing her round-house kicks on a rather worn-looking practice bag. I feared that the faded seams would become completely undone.

    “Kagura?” I asked, causing her to pause mid-form.  
“Hey, Kanae!” She huffed, landing a solid cross-cut punch before bowing to customarily end her practice form. She had a lot of brute strength and could be riled up easily, but that sometimes can be a great weakness. I learned that the key was avoidance. Get her off her centre, then knock her down. This also seemed to calm her down quite a bit. She turned around, bouncing towards me with a smile. “What brings you here? Come to spar again?” She jokingly assumed a fighting stance and aimed a punch that I blocked.  
“No, I mean...we do enough of that already.”  
“I suppose you’re right.” She shrugged. “Then why are you here?”  
I pressed my lips together in what came off as a grimace, trying to find the words “Well, those girls asked me to go to Karaoke with them…”  
“Oh?” She asked, giving a smiled that felt fake to me. “Are you gonna with them?”  
“No…” I said, looking curiously at her. She didn’t…look sad but…she had to be. It changed when I gave my reply.  
“Oh? Why not? It seems like it’d be fun!”  
    She walked away to get her towel from her discarded gym bag and I followed her. “I asked them if you were coming too and…” my face scrunched up, I didn’t really understand why, but what they said really made me…angry. “I…I didn’t want to go if you weren’t there.” Because, I felt a similarity to Kagura. If they hated Kagura so much, their apparent tolerance for me couldn’t be genuine.

    She gave me a slightly shocked look. “R-really? Kanae?” She suddenly began to tear up and she pounced me with a loud bellow of emotion.  
“K-kagura?!” I managed as she nearly bowled me over. Her tight made me very uncomfortable…and…it wasn’t just the tightness of her embrace.  
“Kanae-chan!” She wailed almost indistinguishably.  
“K-kagura-s-san! I—can’t…breathe.” I gasped as she suddenly released me.  
“S-sorry.” She stuttered, twisted her hand in her hair. “I just…” She looked up at me. “Does this mean…we’re…friends?”  
“I...suppose?” I gave her a smile as she erupted into joyous cries.  
“Hooray! I’m so excited!” She leapt forward, taking my hands in hers. “So, is it okay if I call you Kana-chan?”  
“I…” Her wide energetic eyes were almost…pleading. She…was desperate for someone who she could call such things.  
“Yeah…” I relented, glad to see her nervous look melt into joy again. “Yeah it’s fine!”

    I think at that point I was happy for a moment. Happy that there was someone besides my mother who could be there for me in any capacity.  
The joyous moment was cut short however when a third person entered the sparring room without warning. The bright orange hair and unpleasant demeanour was unmistakable.  
“Kyou-kun!!” Kagura departed from me so fast that I lost my balance a bit and stumbled back to a wall behind me.  
It was a fact I had come to observe. Kagura’s behaviour always radically shifted whenever Kyou was around. It was…baffling to me. He was hardly anything but aloof and rather rude.  
    She grinned widely at him, exclaiming something almost unintelligible. Kyou only tried to brush her off as she forcefully threw her arms around him.  
Neither of them noticed when I slipped away.

* * *

 

    Free sparring was in full swing by the time I arrived back in the main hall. It was a sort of limbo between class sessions where some children spar with some of them staying after their class ended, and others having come early for theirs. I had no initial intention to join, that was however until a certain _someone_ decided to drag me in.  
    My path was suddenly blocked, as a tuft of snow-white obscured by vision.  
    “Fight me.” Hatsuharu said as I looked down at him in confusion..  
“Idiot, we’re not allowed to.” I had to dodge a lumbering punch. I quickly sidestepped out of the way, grabbing his wrist and flinging him off balance. “You need to work on your centre." I scoffed. "That’s why you’re still a yellow belt!” I was already a blue belt by then.  
He got up, seeming dazed. “That’s what Master always says.”  
“That’s because it’s true. And I’m your sempai so-”  
“Do you ever wonder why you look so much like Yuki?”  
Me and Haru’s interaction had been somewhat minimal up to that point. I was already year above him in school and Haru always acted younger than he actually was. “Hatsuharu, I don’t understand you. You have no sense of timing.” I was going to go get changed to go when he spoke again.  
“You have, haven't you?” I didn’t really like him, because he seemed so blank. His emotions so mottled. It made me feel uneasily calm to be around him.  
“No, I can’t say that I have, I haven't even talked to him since that day at the Banquet ages ago.”  
“You should try again. He really isn’t that bad.”  
“Now what is up with you? Just a week or so ago, you hated that “damn rat”.” I heard and saw many things here at the Sohma estate.  
“Yeah, but then I actually tried talking to him. You can’t just judge him.”  
“I’m not judging him. I’m sure he wants nothing to do with me.”  
“You were both young. You can’t be blamed.” He said almost arily.  
“Now it sounds like you’re talking about us having an affair.” My forehead twinged.  
“He seems to be a magnet for love.”  
“What is that supposed to mean?!”  
He stood up calmly, getting up to walk away. “I think you should ask Yuki about it yourself.”  
“It’s just a coincidence.” I stated defiantly.  
I knew that Misaki wasn’t my real mother. By then, I understood that. But, my birth parents at that time, were still unknown to me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading the first chapter! Sorry if it skips around a lot. The pace evens out as it begins to intersect more directly with Canon events. This is functionally a Second Draft, the first being the version I originally posted on Fanfiction.net. This has some revised events as well as certain extra scenes and chapters. I hope you enjoy the rest! Feedback is always welcome!


	2. The Grey

“Mom, I’m really gonna be okay. You don’t need to walk me to the Dojo.”

She smiled. “I know, but I just wanted to see if I could meet some of your friends today!”

“Friends…?” I turned away. “You’ve already met Kagura-san.”

She looked mildly surprised.   
“Huh? What about those girls who invited you to Karaoke?”

“They haven’t spoken to me since that day.”

“Oh, so that’s how it is.” She smiled reassuringly, patting my head. “Just keep your head up. It’s better to have a few good friends than many dishonest friends.”

“I know…” She was always good about giving advice that was actually _good_ advice.

She walked me to the corner and we paused. “I can go on from here on my own, Mom.” I gave her a small smile.

“Alright dearie, whatever you say!” She leaned down to ruffle my hair. “Have a good day, sweetie!”

When I turned the corner, I was beyond surprised to see… Yuki... _Waiting_ for me.

"Kanae-san." He said with something that only could barely be considered even a polite smile.

I didn't let my gaze linger, I instead kept briskly walking as if he were a stranger.

"Kanae _wait._ " He grabbed my wrist painfully. I looked back at him in anger and bewilderment. His voice was cold and commanding. A far fall from his usual airy politeness. I met his steely gaze. His face like a cold mirror; identical sterling eyes and chromium hair. The resemblance was unsettling to the degree that I found it difficult to keep the stare. What did he need so badly? And couldn't he think of a better time or place? We could both be late.

I twisted my wrist in his grip. "No--honorifics huh?" I grunted as he released me. His grip was... _curious_. Like an infant grasping his mother's forefinger. Instinctual and desperate.

He shrugged. "I _am_ older than you."

I took in a sharp breath. Something about the way he said it pierced like a blade.

"Funny, I was under the impression that we were the same age." To the day even, as I had learned.

"Almost. I was born mere hours before you were." _He was so blank. Does he have any feelings about what he was saying at all?_

"How could you- wh-" No, we couldn't be twins. That'd be too cliché, and aren't twins supposed to be much closer than we were?   

"You've always wondered, haven't you?" He was withdrawn, seeming unwilling to be near me.

"Yeah, I have. That was the first and _only_ thing I said to you."

He smirked. "That is correct." His tone remained _flat_ , making me writhe internally, I had to refrain from outwardly cringing.

"Yeah? So what if I did?" I asked dismissively, shouldering my gym bag and turning away from him.

"Wait, Imouto-san." I froze.

"Why did you call me that?" I inquired, my eyebrows knitting together.

"Because we are siblings." The lack of emotion on his face made me want to punch him even harder than I did before.

I scowled. "I thought tact was among the prized Sohma traits." Maybe on one of those cheesy-ass soaps this would be a heartfelt reveal, but instead it was just even more infuriating. "What gave _you_ the right to tell me like _this?_ " I said through clenched teeth. "Honestly, what prompted this after _6 years_?"

He gave a small sigh, replying with a single word.

"Haru."

I blinked.

"I swear..." Hatsuharu's miserable timing must have rubbed off on poor Yuki. "I'm gonna kill'em." I growled.

I swore I saw maybe a fleck of amusement in Yuki's face, if only for an instant.

I glared. "So I'm your twin sister or whatever. Don't see how it matters now. "

"Well, you see--"

"You're not twins." A voice suddenly came from...above us.

         "HATSUHARU?!?" I shrieked in rage. I watched him as he hopped down. Landing on his feet by Yuki. He stared at me blankly too, but not a soulless stare.

         "You two are three-quarter siblings. "

"Haru, if you don't start making sense--" He cut me off.

"You have the same father. "

"So...that makes us half--"

"And your mothers are sisters. "

Yuki looked almost bored, it must have been Haru who told him in the first place.

         "So..."

         "You were meant to be the Rat."

My teeth clenched. That was something that I never wanted to hear. Because I would have to believe it, the proof was irrefutable.

          "...I'm due to test for my purple belt soon. I shouldn't be late!" I yelled in defiance, dashing away from them, hoping that they would just let me go.

          I just couldn't stand it. Seeing him, and how he acts; so spoiled by affections, it makes me think too much of myself, and how much I yearned for everything he took for granted.

  


* * *

  


“Kanae? Are you not feeling well?” Kagura said with concern as she helped me up from the ground. My mind was muddled and my emotions askew. This was a major detriment to my fighting skills.

“Yeah. ‘m fine. It’s nothing you need to worry about.” It was useless to avoid her.

“You’re not sick are you?” Her hand flew to my forehead.

“No.” I swept her hand away. “It’s not my _physical_ health.”

“Is something on your mind? A _boy_ perhaps.”

“Yes but not like that.”

“You’re so _cold_ , Kana-chan.” She whined.

“What? Is it so wrong to not find my _true_ love so early on?”

“No! You’re just not as lucky as me.” Her reasonable side suddenly becoming eclipsed..

“Please. No tackling Kyou today. That poor boy deserves a break.”

“That reminds me, I haven't given Kyou his lunch today!” I managed to hook her by her elbow before she disappeared. Spinning her around and throwing her off balance.

“No.”

“You’re so _mean!_ ”

“Without me, the _love of your life_ would have _another_ concussion.”

“But, he made me! If he weren't so thoughtless, my feelings of love wouldn’t have driven me to tossing a chair at him!”

I sighed. Closing my eyes and putting a hand to my forehead. “I honestly don’t know what it will take to talk some sense into you.” But she was gone. Gawking idiotically at Kyou as he seemed to be fighting off Haru.

Of course, she had forgotten all about my compromised performance today. She was the only one who had the opportunity, and far too often she let it fly by.

_Maybe I’m expecting too much. What do **I** know about how friends are supposed to act?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter ended up getting really cut down, I hope it's still okay!


	3. The Pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To any one that is reading this, thank you! Please leave comments or kudos so I know I need to update!

It was the last day before I began middle school. Misaki was worried, but I was indifferent. It would just be more of the same. I was going to a prep school for prep school after all. My grades were good, although, that wasn't exactly what Misaki was worried about. She looked as she usually did. Her chin-length chestnut hair was neatly combed, and she was dressed in a clean-pressed pantsuit as she would depart for her ambiguous adult job just after dropping me off. Wary hazel eyes that while kind, always seemed as though there were something yet unsaid.

She pursed her lips, placing a hand on my shoulder before speaking. "Please, Kanae, promise me you won't get into any more fights.” The laugh lines around her mouth made her expression somehow more serious.

"It was your idea to put me in Karate classes." I replied.

She rolled her eyes, lifting a finger in front of my face. "Don't make this my fault young lady. And I  _happen_  to know from my own childhood that Karate teaches one to  _avoid_  conflict." 

I averted my gaze. "I won't make any promises that I can't keep."

"Kanae!" She chided.

I grimaced, a small snap of anger coming forth. "If you're so concerned about keeping up the Sohma family image then maybe you should just take me out of school then!"

That silenced her for a moment. I expected her to scold me instantly, but instead she gently took my chin so that I was looking at her again. "You should know that this isn't about that--” she stopped, taking a deep breath and pressing her lips together. She looked down for a moment, seeming to think better of what she was originally going to say. "I just don't want you to get hurt, or hurt someone  _else_." The words she came up with seemed slightly forced. Like she thought that was what a good mother would say.

I nodded soberly. "I'm sorry, mom."

She reached forward to pull me into a warm hug. "You have nothing to apologize for sweetie." I didn’t care if she wasn’t really my mom. My birth mother abandoned me, and Misaki, she took me up  _outside_  of obligation, that’s what truly mattered to me.

 

 

Middle school was hardly more than a jumble of irrelevant studies and people. I was still a Sohma, so I was to have consistently immaculate education. Private schools and honour programs; but I was kept decidedly separate from the other Zodiac children, all but, Kyou that is.

He was  _almost_ like me, but he was a much worse paradox. Cursed, but yet  _still_  rejected. He could never be accepted by the family, so with that, I attempted to form some common ground with him.

On our first day of school, we found ourselves in the same class.

“Hey there, Kyou.” He looked at me indifferently.

“Yeah, what do  _you_  want?”

“We’re…we’re supposed to be introducing ourselves to our fellow classmates.”

He didn’t reply, just shrugged.

I sighed and sat down next to him. “You can at least  _pretend_  to talk to me so the teacher won’t scold us.”

He opened his eyes, his cheek resting against his fist. “You’ve never really talked to me before, so why should you bother now?”

“I see you all the time at the Dojo. And when me and Mom sometimes have dinner with Kazuma.” He seemed to stiffen at the mention of that name. I raised an eyebrow. “I wondered why you weren’t there last time....” He made a sour expression, almost like he was  _sulking._

“What? My mom is  _friends_  with Kazuma.”

He continued to scowl. “Well...she might be a little  _too_  friendly with him.” He grunted.

I gave him a look of disbelief. “Hold up…are you… _jealous?_ ”. He refused to look at me. “Wow…Kyou you’re  _Jealous_ of my mom, and me…” I smirked. “What, is the little cat-boy so insecure?”

“Shut up, don’t call me that, _freak_.”

“…Freak? That’s  _really_ rich coming from the idiot who--” Suddenly from behind us came the sound of the teacher calling us to attention. For that brief time we had all but forgotten about our surroundings. With little resistance we returned to our previous state of staring blankly at the front of the room until the lecture was enough underway that the teacher wouldn’t care if we were paying attention or not.

We had to go to an assembly in the gym, orientation for the first-years. I stayed by Kyou, despite his idle protests. I didn’t really know anyone else, and it felt like the crowd was pressing in on me from all sides.

“Hey? What’s wrong with you? Why do you keep following me?” Kyou asked, annoyed.

“Just shut up.” My hand gripped tightly around his arm. “I feel like I might be sick.”

“…then stay away from me…” He said, but strangely enough, he didn’t try to shake me off. “Whatever.” He pouted.

I always knew that I was different. I was always able to understand people’s emotions in different ways, but never could I have expected this.

The world around me tilted, diverging into a thousand different shapes, with my vision skewed I fell to my knees. I curled to the ground, it felt as if I were being blinded, deafened and  _burned_ all at once. I clamped my hands over my ears and squeezed my eyes shut, but the screaming just wouldn’t go away. “Make it stop!  _Make it stop!_ ” I shrieked, my words only causing the storm around me to worsen.  
             _What the hell is happening?_

 “Hey! Are you okay?!” I heard someone ask.

 I think I stood up, but I didn’t really feel in control. My body was moving on its own, trying desperately to stop whatever was causing me so much pain. There was pain reflected all around me, piercing my very being as I felt my limps collide with something unidentifiable. There was screaming until I felt myself restrained, and I heard an ardent whisper in my ear that was scarcely audible over the cacophony.

 _“Kanae! Kanae calm down!”_  The voice faded in and out and felt so distant. I don’t know what happened after that. I only remember screaming for people to get away. The world was on fire,  _blazing_  hot.

            Until suddenly, it burned out.

 

 

 

“…Kanae…” I heard a voice beckon me to waking.

“Kazuma-sensei?” I asked, attempting to sit up.

“Hey, don’t get up so fast!” Another voice said almost scoldingly. I blinked, bringing them into focus.

Kazuma smiled at me, warmly as ever. With Kyou behind him looking disgruntled. “Kanae-chan, how are you feeling?”

I rubbed my head, everything felt fuzzy and sore. “Fine I guess.”

“That’s good then, Kanae. You suffered quite a trauma there. It must have been very disorienting for you.”

I stared blankly at him. The way he spoke made it clear that he already knew the answer to my inevitable question.

“Kazuma…what…what happened to me.”

He sighed, his smile becoming slightly serious. “I’m sorry that no one told you earlier. But, it was decided that we would wait until the right time. Although, no one could have known that you’re first onset would be so violent.” I kept looking at him. The words he used made it sound like I was being diagnosed with some horrible disease. “Kanae…” he continued, almost solemnly. “You have a certain… _Ability._ One that is passed down in the Sohma family just as the Zodiac spirits are.”

I blinked. “What the…”

“From what we can tell…” he continued. “You have a  _Kiireji_  ability. One that is meant to allow you to sense the will of the spirits. But, over time, it has been observed to also allow you to feel the emotions of those around you. There are several subtypes, and your true abilities will reveal themselves in time.”

My mind suddenly flashed to my last waking memory. It was as if I were feeling every known emotion at once. Happiness, Anger, Sadness, Joy, Grief.

“An… _ability?_ ”

“Yes. You have a sixth sense, for want of a better phrase. You can detect the auras and emotions of others just like you can smell a flower or hear a bird’s call.” I nodded slowly. It made sense, far too much sense.

“Is it…is it always going to be…” I grimaced, remembering the overwhelming pain I felt. The suffocating feeling. “Like… _that_?” Tears welled in my eyes. The implications of such things were so vast and terrifying.

Kazuma simply smile kindly, placing a hand on my shoulder. “No…don’t worry. You will learn to control it in time. The symptoms normally emerge rather violently during puberty but calm down afterword.”

“Oh…” I replied.

“But don’t worry.” Kazuma tightened his grip on my shoulder slightly. “Your mother and I will be here for you to help you through it.” He was talking almost as if he were my father. Kyou seemed to notice that as well, and he didn’t seem too happy about it.

I glared at Kyou after Kazuma had stood up to leave. “Why’d you even come if you were just gonna glare at me the whole time?”

Kazuma had left the room, but my comment made Kyou stay behind.

He paused, seeming to be considering his words. “Don’t come to school tomorrow.”

“What?”

“Just stay home. I’ll bring you the assignments if we have any.” He left without another word. I didn’t even bother to try and stop him I was too bewildered. I let myself lay back on the bed, closing my eyes and letting out a large sigh.

Slowly, warm tears started to flow down my cheeks. I wasn’t sad, or angry. It occurred to me that I hardly ever felt any of those things. Emotions were a strange and mysterious thing. While I had yet to understand them, it seemed that I would be forced to in time. Something about that scared me. The knowledge that I was open and vulnerable like this. My own feelings were enough for me to bear, and now it seemed I would have to bear them all, whether I wanted to or not. And so, I cried. Softly and silently, all alone.


	4. The Dark

There was a certain garden near the wall that I would often go to. It was a small secluded grove of young bamboo shoots artificially placed around an equally artificial koi pond. At the far side, near the wall was an extremely ancient camphor tree that had, over the years, grown and partially broken down the old laid stones. It was far too old and sacred for anyone to cut it down in good conscience. Its old knotted roots and branches were helpful if I ever wanted to leave the Inside unnoticed.

Something about the garden itself spoke to me. No matter how hard the Sohma tried to tame and manicure this tree, it always kept growing and never yielded to anyone or anything. Especially the barriers put up by man.

I vaulted myself up, climbing on to a large twisted branch that overlooked the pond. There weren't actually that many Koi left in the pond. The grounds keepers tended to neglect this area. It was a sub-area where people are kept within the wall out of reluctance. Several other un-cursed children lived here, while most were cast outside of the walls unless they had abilities that would be of use.

I sat there in the silence, singing softly to the breeze. Old songs, ancient songs, songs that most had completely forgotten.

"What is that song called?" Hatsuharu's blank eyes were suddenly looming over me. He was crouching at the base of the branch behind me.

"Haru you could have made me fall." My singing always makes me extremely serene. "I don't know. It's one of the ancient songs that the Spirits used to sing. "

"That's right. You're an Utaji."

“It just means that I can hear things that others can’t.” I said dismissively. Sometimes the spirits of the zodiac would speak or sing, and certain members of the Sohma family are able to hear and repeat. There are several unique abilities present among the Sohmas. Some are skills to be taught like Hatori's memory technique, or they are just something you are born with, like my Empathic abilities. People like me are called "Kiireji" or "ones who can hear". Then we are divided into other groups like Utaji and Hashiji.

I'm not the only one by far, but the only one I know in my generation is Kotoko. That is, I've never seen her. She's the keeper of Oral histories; a Hashiji, and will eventually become a Master of Ceremonies of sorts.

I'm old enough now, I will probably be forced to fulfil my duties soon.

"Is there something you wanted?" I sat up, swinging my legs over the side of the bough.

"Yes, actually." He sat next to me, his eyes falling to somewhere far away.

I waited a moment for him to speak. When he didn't, I nudged him. "...and?"

"...is it okay if I call you nezumi-chan."

"Don't make me push you off this branch." I said without any change in expression.

"...Yuki won't let me call him that either.”

"I wonder why." I rolled my eyes. "C'mon, do I really look that much like Yuki? It's _annoying_."

"...you look...meaner."

"...I hope that wasn't meant to be a compliment.”

"It was."

I sighed. From what I could tell, if I didn’t grow my hair out I would be easily mistaken for him. Sometimes I think that I only scowled so much because I hoped it would magically change my face into something different.

Then again, I _could_ just try smiling more.

“Kanae.”

“Hatsuharu.” I narrowed my eyes at him.

“What is it that you’re really angry about?” I was a little blindsided by the question, especially since I didn't really have an answer.

“Are you mad at Yuki?”

“...no.” I decided.

“Then who? Your mother?”

“I’ve never met her, so how can I really blame her?”

“Akito?” Though my heart went cold at the mention of his name, I wasn’t sure if it were him either. I just shook my head.

“Then who?”

“Why do you need to know?”

He shrugged.

"Well thanks for wasting my time." I grumbled.

Haru then decided to speak, his eyes looking off. "I at least think, that if you don't hate someone, you should let them know. So they won't just going on thinking that you do. "

I raised an eyebrow. "Well, I don't think any of them really care what I think of them."

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

"Not really…" My gaze fell to the ground. "I don't need to meet my birth mother. I already have a mother."

"Then, can you at least talk to Yuki?"

"Why is this so important to you?"

"I just don't think you should run away from anything."

I glared again. "That still doesn't answer my question, Haru."

He got up suddenly, swinging himself to a lower branch, holding a hand back towards me. "C'mon, let's go see him."

"Who?"

"Yuki." He blinked. "Rin can't make it today, so I need another lookout."

"…Lookout?" I followed him in curiosity, lithely navigating to the ground besides him.

"Yes. Yuki is locked inside the main house, and he shouldn't be alone for too long."

"Locked? By who? And where?"

"By Akito, in what he calls Yuki's "Special Room"."

Another chill ran up my spine. I swallowed. "…What if we get caught?"

"We don't."

I have always hated the inside of the main house. It was too clean, too _perfect_ ; and always _deathly_ silent; like a crypt. We crept along the hallways, dodging maids and the like. The dark passages seemed to go on forever. Twisting and turning, I was surprised that Haru wasn't as hopelessly lost as I was, but after a while; I picked up on a familiar aura, and realised that he _was_ actually lost.

"Haru." I whispered. "Yuki is this way!" I grabbed his wrist, leading him away. Thankfully he didn't protest.

I kept going, feeling Yuki's Aura grow stronger, but only slightly. It turned out that we were actually quite close, and Yuki himself was just weak.

The coast was clear, and we let ourselves in.

I had to keep myself from gasping too loudly. Yuki _was_ there, but only just. He was curled into a minuscule ball, his Kimono drooping lifelessly around his frail form. He didn't seem to hear us coming. Haru approached him readily, touching him lightly. There was no response.

I took a step closer. "Is he asleep?" I asked.

"I think…unconscious is a better word for it. " he said gravely. As I neared, I could hear that Yuki's breathing was shallow, and his skin was _somehow_ even paler than usual.

Haru turned back to Yuki, with the closest thing to an actual emotion I'd ever seen him express. He was worried, _truly_ worried.

Suddenly, Yuki stirred. His eyes cracked open. "H-Haru?" I clapped my hands over my mouth, side-stepping from his line of sight. "Yeah I'm here and so is--" he looked at me, and I shook my head. For some reason I didn't want him to know I was here. "...Rin is too."

Yuki didn't even have the strength to look for "Rin", he just let his head flop down, when it was caught by Haru. Without words, he helped poor Yuki lie down. I thought I saw him mutter something, but couldn't make it out. I only saw Haru nod solemnly.

Both of their auras together was a bit much for me to handle, so I decided to actually fulfil my duties as look out and go watch the hallway.

My heart was racing, all of the _pain_ that I felt from Yuki, it was far too much for one child, no, one _person_ to handle.

From the end of the hallway, I heard footsteps, and a particularly malignant Aura. My heart started beating even faster. There was only one person who could have an Aura like that.

I whipped around, gesturing to Haru wildly. "We have to _go_!" I grabbed his wrist, dragging him away. I didn't risk another look at Yuki. I didn't need to be a Juunishi to fear Akito. He ruled us all, and had gone out of his way several times to let me know that I was worthless and unwanted.

 

  


"...Haru, what did he say to you?" I asked him after we had escaped the house.

He was even more distant now, his hands shoved in his pockets. “Haru?”

“He...he told me that he wanted to get out. That he couldn’t take it anymore.”

“So...this has happened before?”

“Yes, all the time.” He stated almost sadly. “Like I said before, normally I go with Rin. I just can’t stand the thought of Yuki being all alone in there for so long.”

“I still don’t understand...Is it some sort of punishment?”

“Yeah.” He paused, looking up at the sky. “He’s Akito’s “Favourite”.  And he’ll put Yuki in there whenever he’s been “Bad”.” He looked at me. “Can you help me?”

I blinked. “With...what?”

“Getting Yuki out of Sohma House.”

“I don’t see how I could be of help. I’m still stuck here myself, and I’m not even cursed.” I shrugged. “I don’t even think it’s possible. The only cursed one to live Outside is Kyou and he’s well...the cat.”

Haru’s face formed a thoughtful expression. “Wait, there is one other.”

“Huh?”

“Shigure. He lives on the outside.”

“But he was personally _banished_ , by Akito. And Yuki is Akito’s _favourite_.”

“It’s worth a shot.”

“What is?” I asked.

“Asking Shigure if Yuki can live with him."

“But, doesn't Akito have to still give approval anyway?”

"You saw how he looked in there. I have to try. "

I nodded, my heart sinking at the memory of him.  I knew that the Sohmas held dark secrets, but _this_... It made my stomach turn to think of the other atrocities committed here, and that I would soon be bound here as well.

“Come with me to the banquet this year.”

"Why on earth would I do that? I'm not going to another one until I'm forced to."

"I think that you should confront your mother. It might help."

"Or it might _not_." I sped up a little walking a head of him towards the wall where my house was.

"But how else will you know, unless you try."

I paused, looking back at him. "It's still many months away."

He shrugged. "I'll be seeing you then." He turned around, waving as he left.

I didn't ponder it for long, I just left to go home as intended. There was really no use in prolonging the inevitable, I would eventually be dragged back to the Banquets soon enough. It would be even better to try and tackle my other daemons while I'm at it.

  
  


That night, I dreamt I was in a dark place, held captive by my fear; whilst Akito loomed over me, holding a cage.

I ended up following through that year-end, but I arrived a bit late since Misaki had such short notice for my hair. I objected, but there was honestly no stopping that woman.

I easily found my way in, mingling with the extended family. My abilities had become more attuned since I was last here, so it was more vexing this time around. All the extra information made me jumpy and nervous. It was hard to concentrate on anything.

At long last I glimpsed his snow-tipped hair through the crowd. I gravitated towards that familiarity as fast as I could.

“Haru?” I said meekly.

“How dare you!” One of the elder women must have heard me. She slapped me. “Don’t call him like he’s on the same level as you! Worthless, disrespectful child!”

“Sumimasen, Obaa-sama.” The woman left me. Disappearing into the crowd of relatives.

  Someone tapped me on the shoulder. And I turned to meet Haru’s flat iron gaze.

“H-Hatsuharu-san.” I didn’t think he really liked being called that.

“I found your Mom.” He directed his gaze towards the private sitting rooms. “She’s holed up in the far one.”

“Okay.” I turned to look at him. He was gazing elsewhere.  “What, do I just _walk_ in and say “Hi! I’m your daughter!”?” With my experiences with other Sohma adults…

“Yeah, I mean, why not? You _are_ her daughter.”

“But she gave me up, Haru. She didn’t have any use for an un-cursed child.”

“That’s what’s really messed up about this family.” I tried to follow his gaze. He was looking at Yuki. Or maybe Akito. “It’s a “curse” for a reason. But for some reason, even those who are free, have to suffer as well.” His brows furrowed. “Parents, siblings, friends. It’s all just a mess.”

  
  


“Okaa-san?” I said nervously. Fiddling with my kimono.

“Kana, hello.”

“It’s Kanae...Actually.”

“Don’t you know it’s rude to correct your elders?” She had the same cold eyes as her sister, and the same greasy platinum-blonde hair, but instead is fell in thick curls, glistening with hairspray.

“Y-yes. Okaa-sama.”

“Now, Kako, what is it that you wanted?” She was sickly sweet. Her words coating me in grotesque saccharin.

“I-I just wanted to meet you. I mean, you _are_ my birth mother.”

“I am indeed. And you thought you could waste my time?” I suddenly felt like a 3-year old again. Small, scared and helpless.

“I- I am sorry.”

“What makes you think that I’d _ever_ want to see you?”

“I j-just.”

“Just stop your pathetic babbling before I get a _migraine_.” She looked at me with a malicious glare. You probably want to know why. Ask me why, _child_!”

“W-wh--”

“You were my _chance_!” She stood up at this. Looming over me, with frightening anger. “With you, came the opportunity to _finally_ surpass my sister! And you _failed_ me! I have no use for you! And no desire to call you my daughter! Get out of my sight!” I staggered away. Out of the house, again. Running to my place near the wall.

Even though I told myself, over and over again, that I didn’t care about her; it still hurt. It had to after all. Knowing that my own flesh and blood would reject me like that. It hurt, a deep pulsing pain that I wished would go away. It was somehow easier to be drowned in the emotions of others, those would surly fade. But the ones I felt inside myself, were not so conveniently transient.

In the dark, the moon glinting sadly off of the abandoned koi bond. I could almost forget its tragic beauty in this light. The tall weathered camphor tree was welcoming like an old friend.

I vaulted myself into the branches, picking my favoured one, sitting at its base and leaning up against the rough bark. After a while, I saw a figure emerfe from the main house Hair as white as the moonlight. “So how’d it go?” he called up to me as he began to climb.

I coughed, realising that my throat was thick with years. “Do you think I’d be here if it went _well_?”

 I scooted over to make room for him next to me. “Perhaps you were so overcome with joy that you needed to be alone?” His blank face cocking to the side.

 “Why are you here? I thought you’d have gone to be with Isuzu-san.”

 “She’s in the hospital again. I was just sneaking out to see her.”

 “Then _go_. She needs you more than me.”

 “I wanted to at least check on you.” He turned his blank gaze on me. Washing me in his peculiar serenity. Back then I never could understand him. Hell, I _still_ don’t truly understand him.

But, I could feel myself, slipping, to a place, where I always wanted to be near him. As logically _insane_ as it was. That’s really how love seems to work.

He was gone as swiftly as he arrived. He didn’t encourage me to return, or tell me to cheer up, not directly. I guess that’s just how he goes about things.

When I returned home, Misaki was up waiting for me. Reading a book with some tea.

She looked up. "Kanae? Is something wrong?"

"No, I'm fine M--" I stopped myself. Misaki wasn't my mom. My real mother was a selfish person who conceived me out of greed and spite. Misaki was something much better. "...Misaki...I promise." I gave her a smile as I walked past her to go to my bedroom. "I'll see you tomorrow."

Perhaps it was a mistake, perhaps it was that simple action that began a rift between us; I have no real way of knowing. But the possibility still nags at me. A voice telling me that I should have done more.

That it was my fault.


	5. The Answer

 

Hatsuharu’s suggestion seemed to stick with me as the weeks went on. I would see him occasionally, and without fail he would mention Yuki at some point, even as he realised how upset it could make me. Eventually, my reactions lessened. Perhaps that was his intention from the start.

Fall ended, and winter came around. Exams were taken and students gossiped and bustled. Most girls went out with their friends to Karaoke to celebrate. I for one, sat in the Dojo and watched Kyou come close to breaking his second punching bag.

He was one of those kids who hit puberty head-on and somewhat awkwardly. He was still kinda short and scrawny at 13, but his determination gave way to growing strength that anyone would have to find impressive.

The sound of his foot making contact again and again echoed through the mostly empty sparring hall. He was just bitter that I had beaten him again, so he insisted on training more as I indulged in water and Onigiri.

“Kyou, take a break. It’d be even more humiliating if you passed out from hunger.”

“Shut up,” he grunted. Landing a few more combos before finally taking a rest, panting heavily.

He trudged away from the sparring mat, grabbing his water bottle and plopping down next to me.

“Not so close, you stink.” I said teasingly.

“Hey you’re not so fresh yourself.” He mumbled through a mouthful of rice and seaweed.

I sighed, taking another sour plum Onigiri, as I knew he would eat them all if I wasn’t careful.

 

“Where were you at school today?” Kyou asked. “I mean, I’m the one who usually skips. Not you.”

“I had a check-up with Hatori. My mom let me stay home, saying that I need a good break from school every now and then.”

Kyou seemed to be pondering the literal implications of that statement. He was probably recalling my first attack the beginning of that school year. “So…” he began, looking over at me. “Have you…I mean…”

“Have I had any more attacks?”

“Yeah.”

“Sometimes. I’ve figured out how to hide them. The nurse lets me rest in her office if it becomes too much. ”

“That’s…good.” He said slowly. “Sorry to bring it up like this but…what do you remember from that day?”

I blinked. “Not much, really. I just remember that I was walking with you to the ceremony when suddenly…” I broke off. “Then I remember waking up to you and Kazuma in the nurse’s office.”

Kyou’s expression became somewhat solemn.

“What?”

“Oh nothing, I…I was just wondering since well…”

“Spit it out.”

“On that day, you…you kinda ended up injuring one of the other students.”

“…what?!”

“I just wanted to check and--”

“What, you wanted to make sure that I was under control and not hurting anyone else?!”

“Hey! Don’t get upset! Kazuma told me to ask you, okay!? He’s worried about you!”

“Then why didn’t he ask me himself! He actually understands the concept of _tact!_ ” I yelled, standing up to loom over him.

“What the _hell_ Kanae! I’m just trying to make sure you’re okay!”

“Yeah whatever.” I snatched up my water bottle and lunch box. “I get it now. I’m just a hazard. A loose cannon that needs a _chaperone._ ”

“Kanae, what are you talking about!?” He scampered after me as I stormed off.

“Just leave me alone Kyou!” I barked at him. Something I regretted as I looked at his face. Strangely enough, he looked genuinely hurt and sad before he retorted with a similar unreasonable anger.

“Fine then! See if I ever show concern again!”

“ _Fine!_ ”  I continued my petulant, childish storm-off. Leaving the Dojo swiftly. I breezed past Kunimitsu and even Kazuma, not wanting him to see the tears that had begun to flow.

I really wasn’t even sure why I was angry. I wasn’t angry at Kyou, that’s for sure. I’m sure I was…it was just--

I did remember.

When I got to my room, I sat there alone, the memory seeping back into my mind.

I remember. I lost control of my body, I hit a boy in the face. He was just trying to help me. I broke his nose, and he knocked himself out on the floor.

The tears could not be contained now. I burst out into sobs, wrapping my arms around my legs, curling up on my bed.

“Kanae?” A soft, warm voice accompanied by a sunset-gold aura entered my consciousness.

“Mom?” I sniffed, looking at her through tear-ladened eyelashes.   
She didn’t ask what was wrong, she simply sat on the bed next to me, and took me up in her arms. Holding me just as a Mother should.

My body shook with the memories. The guilt and the pain.

“Kazuma said you ran out of the Dojo pretty upset. I was worried.” She said gently. “Did something happen?”

I nodded into her chest.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

I shook my head.

“Very well. Just let me know if you do. You know I’m always here for you.”

 

That year-end, I decided to confront my birth-mother. I had questions that I wanted answered. I didn’t tell Misaki my true intentions, but she was over-excited none the less. I even ended up arriving pretty late since Misaki had such short notice for my hair. I objected to the complex hairstyle, but there was honestly no stopping that woman.

I easily found my way in, mingling with the extended family. As my abilities had become more attuned since I was last here, it was far more vexing this time around. All the extra information made me jumpy and nervous. It was hard to concentrate on anything.

At long last I glimpsed his snow-tipped hair through the crowd and gravitated towards that familiarity as fast as I could.

“Haru?” I said meekly.

“How dare you!” One of the elder women must have heard me. She slapped me. “Don’t call him like he’s on the same level as you! Worthless, disrespectful child!”

“Sumimasen, Obaa-sama.” The woman left me. Disappearing into the crowd of relatives.

  Someone tapped me on the shoulder. And I turned to meet Haru’s flat iron gaze.

“H-Hatsuharu-san.” I didn’t think he really liked being called that.

“I found your Mom.” He directed his gaze towards the private sitting rooms. “She’s holed up in the far one.”

“Okay.” I turned to look at him. He was gazing elsewhere.  “What, do I just _walk_ in and say “Hi! I’m your daughter!”?” What with my experiences with other Sohma adults…

“Yeah, I mean, why not? You _are_ her daughter.”

“But she gave me up, Haru. She didn’t have any use for an un-cursed child.”

“That’s what’s really messed up about this family.” I tried to follow his gaze. He was looking at Yuki. Or maybe Akito. “It’s a “curse” for a reason. But for some reason, even those who are free, have to suffer as well.” His brows furrowed. “Parents, siblings, friends. It’s all just a mess.”

  
  


“Okaa-san?” I said nervously. Fiddling with my kimono.

“Kana, hello.”

“It’s Kanae...Actually.”

“Don’t you know it’s rude to correct your elders?” She had the same cold eyes as her sister, and the same greasy platinum-blonde hair, but instead it fell in thick curls, glistening with hairspray.

“Y-yes. Okaa-sama.”

“Now, Kako, what is it that you wanted?” She was sickly sweet. Her words coating me in grotesque saccharin.

“I-I just wanted to meet you. I mean, you _are_ my birth mother.”

“I am indeed. And so you thought that you could waste my time?” I suddenly felt like a 3-year old again. Small, scared and helpless.

“I- I am sorry.”

“What makes you think that I’d _ever_ want to see you?”

“I j-just.”

“Just stop your pathetic babbling before I get a _migraine_.” She looked at me with a malicious glare. You probably want to know why. Ask me why, _child_!”

“W-wh--”

“You were my _chance_!” She stood up at this. Looming over me, with frightening anger. “With you, came the opportunity to _finally_ surpass my sister! And you _failed_ me!” I stepped back from her. In reality I was almost as tall as her, but, the hate and vile she felt towards me was so intense I thought I would be sick. Her aura was almost as dark as one of the Zodiac spirits. “I have no use for you! And no desire to call you my daughter!” A vase crashed to the ground near her feet as she flailed in rage. “Get out of my sight!” I staggered away. Out of the house, again. Running to my place near the wall.

Even though I told myself, over and over again, that I didn’t care about her; it still hurt. It had to after all. Knowing that my own flesh and blood would reject me like that. It hurt, a deep pulsing pain that I wished would go away. It was somehow easier to be drowned in the emotions of others, those would surly fade. But the ones I felt inside myself, were not so conveniently transient.

In the dark, the moon glinting sadly off of the abandoned koi pond. I could almost forget its tragic beauty in this light. The tall weathered camphor tree was welcoming like an old friend. I vaulted myself into the branches, picking my favoured one, sitting at its base and leaning up against the rough bark. After a while, I saw a figure emerge from the main house, Hair as white as the moonlight. “So how’d it go?” he called up to me as he began to climb.

I coughed, realising that my throat was thick with tears. “Do you think I’d be here if it went _well_?”

 I scooted over to make room for him next to me. “Perhaps you were so overcome with joy that you needed to be alone?” His blank face cocking to the side.

 “Why are you here? I thought you’d have gone to be with Isuzu-san.”

 “She’s in the hospital again. I was just sneaking out to see her.”

 “Then _go_. She needs you more than me.”

 “I wanted to at least check on you.” He turned his blank gaze to me. Washing me in his peculiar serenity. Back then I never could understand him. Hell, I _still_ don’t truly understand him. But, I could feel myself, slipping, to a place, where I always wanted to be near him. As logically _insane_ as it was. That’s really how love seems to work.

He was gone as swiftly as he arrived. He didn’t encourage me to return, or tell me to cheer up, not directly. I guess that’s just how he goes about things.

When I returned home, Misaki was up waiting for me. Reading a book with some tea.

She looked up. "Kanae? Is something wrong?"

"No, I'm fine M--" I stopped myself. Misaki wasn't my mom. My real mother was a selfish person who conceived me out of greed and spite. Misaki was something much better. "...Misaki...I promise." I gave her a smile as I walked past her to go to my bedroom. "I'll see you tomorrow."

Perhaps it was a mistake, perhaps it was that simple action that began a rift between us; I have no real way of knowing. But the possibility still nags at me. A voice telling me that I should have done more.

That it was my fault.


	6. The Red

Before we knew it, Kyou and I were in our third year of middle school. It was easy for us to return to normal even after our somewhat frequent fights. We were each other’s only allies in the stifling school we were both banished to.

 

"Oi, Kyou."  I pulled up a chair to the side of his desk. "I have our assignment. You know what to do?"

"Yeah, of course I do. I'm not deaf. "

"So just shut up and do it then." I rolled up his copy of the assignment and hit him over the head with it. He grumbled, taking the paper and flattening it out. "So..." He said

I rolled my eyes. "We're making a presentation about a historical figure of our choice."

"I knew that."

"Sure you did." I grumbled.

We continued on like that. Working out the project while snipping irritatedly at each other.

The final bell rung for the day, I jerked Kyou from his stupor by kicking his chair. "School's over ya lug." I said as I grabbed my bag.

"Mhmf." He grunted, standing up and stretching.

I smirked. "C'mon, let's walk to the Dojo together."

"Sure, whatever." I flounced ahead as he followed me in a slump. I could tell he was tense. Today we would take our advancement tests to see if we would move up a belt level. Me and Yuki were both going to become Black Belts, while Kyou and Kagura were going to be Red belts.  


We walked from the school in silence at first. It was that kind of friendship where it was enough just to have someone around, and not be completely alone. I could still sense that Kyou still resisted me somewhat, even after all this time. Probably because of his near obsessive grudge against Yuki. By now I held little to no ill will towards him. That image of him trapped in that prison still gave me chills, and put whatever I felt before into perspective.  


"What are you so grumpy about?" I asked after a few blocks. "Are you just upset that you won't get to spar Yuki in the trials today?"

"Peh. I don't need any trials to fight that rat bastard."

"And I don't need you to tell me that." I deadpanned.

He just grunted.

"It's too bad, you're going to be in trials with Kagura this time around." She missed the last advancement because she broke one of the Dojo's walls and got loads of demerits.

"Don't remind me."

And speaking of Kagura. I sensed her approaching, _fast._ "GET DOWN!" I yelled, yanking him down into the bushes. Poor Kyou has no grace, so at some point we got a bit too close for the Spirit's liking and he transformed into a spitting orange cat.

"WHAT TH--" I clamped a hand over his muzzle to silence him.

"Shut up!" I said in a hushed voice. Just as Kagura's cries came into earshot. He started, his fur standing on end.

"KYOUUUUUUUUUU---- WHERE DID YOU GO!?"

I prayed for her just to move on. I only hoped that she wasn't able to _smell_ him or something.

After a few tense moments, I determined that the coast was clear, and left him to dress in the bushes.

"Okay...how did you know she was coming again?" He asked, as he re-joined me.

"I'm an Empath, remember? I sense Auras, as hokey as it sounds." We fell into step again, taking an alternate route to the Dojo.

"Oh, right."

"The more familiar I am with a person, the easier it is for me to sense them over distances." I shrugged.

"Ah."

"But, the reason I'm still allowed inside the walls, is because I can sense the wills of the spirits."

He gave me an odd look, almost...apologetic? Sympathetic? I wasn’t quite sure.

“But, I probably shouldn’t complain...” I mumbled, looking at him. Even of the few who knew of the Cat’s existence, even fewer knew of his fate.

He stiffened, looking away from me. “Yeah.” Was all he said, then we were silent again until we reached the Dojo. Taking a back way in as Kagura in her haste had arrived before us.

  
  


We all lined up, advancement trials were a big deal. It always went from the bottom up, the little kids getting their Yellow belts to the adults advancing further as Black-belts. So I had a while to wait.

“Now, the next spar will be, Kanae and Yuki.”

There were mixed mutterings among the crowd, but it didn’t really matter. Most of them didn’t know the significant risk this would pose. It did seem that Kazuma-sensei had a certain disregard for the Sohma’s excessively rigid rules from time to time.

I glanced in Yuki’s direction, he wasn’t looking at me. He was his usual, distant, disinterested self. He could be so infuriating, while most found his air of mystery _alluring_ , it frankly just pissed me off.

Yuki and I walked to the sparring mats. We bowed customarily, and both assumed our ready stances.

 **"Hajimete!"** Kazuma shouted, signalling us to begin our spar.

I was light on my feet, ducking and parrying his first strike. I was quick, but he was quicker. While Yuki was very skilled and naturally talented, there was no real force or intention behind his strikes. He goes on instinct, his eyes never focussing, and his stance never steady. I quickly found a way to turn this to my advantage.

I began using fake-out manoeuvres to throw him off as best I could. He still managed to predict the sweep kicks I attempted; so I went for a more direct approach.

I swung around, letting out a cry as I launched a heavy round-house kick right at the centre of his defence. It was just brash and unexpected enough that he was knocked flat on his back. I huffed, putting my hands together to bow, signalling the end of the spar.

To my dismay, he didn't look surprised or dismayed, but...contemplative.

I could already hear Kyou’s enthusiastic cheers. Ecstatic that at least someone was able to beat his rival.

“Oh man Kanae that was awesome! You sure showed that prissy-ass Yuki!”

“Kyou not now. You should focus more on not being murdered during _your_ spar.”

He froze in his realisation. I grabbed him by the collar when he tried to run. “Don’t tell me you’re a coward _as well_ as an idiot.” I growled menacingly. I let him go, and he slumped back towards the line-up. I slipped away to ponder. Not keen on crowds when I could avoid them

\----

  
  
  


I usually walked home alone, despite the fact that most of us were going to the same place. I had developed the habit of taking a route through the Outside districts to the broken-down section of the wall where I could climb it; instead of just entering through the gate like a normal person.

“Hey Kanae!” I turned around to see Kagura running to join me.

“Hey,” I said with a small smile, adjusting my pace to hers.

She smiled in return. “I know you heard it already, but awesome job kicking Yuki’s _ass_ today.”

I shrugged. “Coming from you I suppose that’s meant to be a compliment.”

“It _is_!” She said with a slight whine.

I granted her an amused grin. “Sure sure.”

“C’mon Kanae, you should be a little more excited! No one was ever able to beat Yuki!”

“As I’ve heard.”

“Has he talked to you, by the way?”

“Who, _Yuki_? No, why would he?”

“I don’t know, he mentioned something about you, when he was talking about the fact that he’s leaving.”

“Huh?” I asked, my attention piqued.

“Yeah, he’s leaving Sohma house to live with Shigure. I can’t _believe_ that Akito’s allowing it.”

_Me neither. I wonder how Haru did it._

“Yeah...me neither.” I said.

“He’s even going to an Outside high school. A _co-ed_ one at that. It’s so _weird_ , all this rebellious behaviour all of a sudden.”

It really isn’t. Poor Yuki’s been a rebellion just waiting to happen for 14 years. “If he wanted to talk to me then I’m sure he already would have.”

“He may be too scared now, since he knows you’re stronger than him.”

“I just got lucky. He could still beat me if he wanted to.”

“I suppose.” She seemed bored with this topic of conversation. “Hey, so have you decided where you’re going to high school yet?”

“Yeah. Kobayashi.”

“Aww...I was hoping that you’d be going to Namikawa with _meee_...”

“No. I need to go to a school with a suitable music program, orders of the main house.”

“And you’re _listening_ to them?” She said in disbelief.

“I have to if I want them to pay tuition.” I shrugged.

“That’s right.” She said a little sadly. “We’ll still be able to hang out, right?”

“Yeah of course, we’ll still be neighbours.”

“But, I know how much you hate being at Sohma house.”

“So we can go other places.”

She smiled, “Yeah, we can.”

“Did you have anything planned? We can go get some Monja.”

She groaned. “But you _always_ want to get Monja. I don’t understand how you're not _sick_ of it already!”

“Fine then, what do _you_ want to eat?” I relented.

“Takoyaki.” She said brightly.

“You know they have Takoyaki Monja.” I stated flatly.

She rolled her eyes, grinning. “Fine, we can go to that Monja place in honour of your victory over the _notorious tyrant_ Yuki Sohma.”

That got a chuckle out of me. “In that case, you should treat _me_.”

“Hey c’mon _no fair_!”

I laughed as she punched me playfully in the arm, the two of us walking away from our shared hell to share a little solace over fried meat and noodles.

  


I came home somewhat late that evening, and I was somewhat surprised to find someone else in my house besides Misaki.

            The aura was familiar, I knew who it was, but I was frightened by the raised voices. “Misaki…I’m not---”

“Kazuma, I know just, _please._ I’m already doubting myself as it is.”

“Then _let_ me help you. You weren’t _meant_ to do this on your own.”

“Oh, and _you_ were _?_ I’ve had Kanae for _longer_ than you’ve had Kyou so--”

“Misaki I didn’t say that--”  
            I had the sinking feeling that I shouldn’t be listening in. But I was frozen, and hoped that they wouldn’t discover my presence.

            “Kazuma, I know you’re just trying to help, but I think I’m doing the right thing.”

“Taking the choice away and _keeping_ her in that place?”

            “She can make the choice to leave at any time she wants. But right now, I am having to deal with pressure with the main house. If I won’t send her to private music school, at the very least it needs to be a Sohma-financed school, and that’s the best one!”

            “You know, I heard that Yuki is going to an outside school. Kaibara High. You could ask Kanae if--”

            “I couldn’t do that to her. Yuki has brought her _enough_ pain as it is.”

            “She’s old enough now to make that decision on her own now.”

“Didn’t you tell me that she wiped the _floor_ with him today? I want to keep her away from any further violence.”

            “Misaki, that’s what your mother tried to do for you. And did _that_ help you at all?!”

            They were silent for a stretch.

            “Kazuma, I need some time alone to think about this.”

            “Misaki please, don’t push me away.”

“Kazuma _you_ need to respect my personal space.”

“I do, I just don’t want you to do anything rash.”

“Kazuma, you’re _not_ my husband! I don’t _have_ to include you in this!

“It is not an issue of obligation Misaki, but an issue of _necessity_.”

“Gah! You sound like your old man!”

I heard Kazuma’s warm laugh echo down to hallway towards me. “Shut up! This isn’t funny.” She retorted.

            I took this opportunity to leave. Running the other way down the hall to my room.   
I didn’t know quite how to feel. They were arguing, and that fact alone made my heart race, but…they were talking about _me,_ and…It was all so confusing. They seemed so different hen it was just the two of them. I had never known Misaki to get angry like that and…Kazuma too…He—he seemed really _worried_ about her. I knew they were friends, they grew up together but,

            I shook my head.

_Something about the way she said it, that he wasn’t her husband, something about that---_

They almost acted like it sometimes. I remembered how I felt when Misaki would show up to watch me spar, she would stand next to Kazuma and both of them would cheer me on. I was certain that must have been at least something akin to having parents. I mean, I have Misaki, I’ve always had her as my mother. But there was something different about having _parents._ Something about them being there together, a unified force of caring and support.

            It is something that I was lucky to know even a semblance of.


	7. The Fate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The time has come for Kanae to begin fulfilling her duty as an Utaji. While a life behind the walls has shown her the many horrors of the Sohma Curse, in reality, she has only just scratched the surface.

It had been a very long time since I was taken so deep in to Sohma house. From the outside it would seem like nothing but an innocuous traditional Japanese array of houses. But it was set up as a maze of prisons. Stifling windowless rooms and choked courtyards meant to give those trapped here an illusion of freedom. I was here only a few times before, most notably when I was taken to the elders to decide my fate. The only thing that saved me from having my memory wiped was my status as an Utaji, which were just as if not more rare than the Juunishi. Most of the others are much older than me, I met them that day too where I saw my inevitable future. The fate of a caged songbird.

Traditional Japanese music is always required at the Zodiac Banquet for the dance. The only guests are the members of the Zodiac, no family or friends, only this black chain-link of fate. Young Kotoko will be administering the ceremony for the first time. I am to meet with her and be officially inducted into their little band of second-bests.

I was brought before the head elder. I don’t think I ever learned her name, but she was always the one who managed things and scowled at me when she thought I wasn’t upholding the Sohma family image or something. She always wore traditional clothes and kept her hair in a tight bun.

"The time has come, Utaji. At the request of your foster mother, you were allowed a normal childhood to develop your abilities on your own." The elder said resolutely, hardly even looking at me. "Your private tutor at Kobayashi has many good things to say about you.” Her steely gaze finally fell on me. "Naturally you will be our new singer, and you will be further instructed in traditional vocal techniques."

I nodded bleakly, refraining from voicing my very colourful opinions.

"Presently, you will be taken to see Kotoko, the Hashiji put in charge of the Utaji." I was then led even deeper into Sohma house. The dark inner corridors where few ever ventured, though beyond their knowledge, I had been here once before. That memory pricked to my mind, causing me to shudder. I was directed to a room and left there at the closed door. I swallowed, opening the sliding door whilst announcing my presence.

"Welcome, Kanae-san. You have the most musical voice." She turned to me with a milky stare. "Please, sit down." She gestured to the mat across from her.

Kotoko was born blind, that much I knew, and she was always small, but with an oddly menacing presence. She wore an ornate traditional Kimono that was much too big for her, and her pitch-black hair was cut straight and short around her face.

“It is and honour to meet you, Kotoko-sama.” I said as I sat down.

She raised a hand. “Please, no need for the honorific. -san is just fine.”

“Yes, Kotoko-san.”

She tilted her head to the side and smiled, a bit creepily if I may add. “I am so glad that you will be able to join us this year. We have gone far too long without a proper singer. Aiko’s passing was tragic, though she did do her best up until her final days.”

“So I heard.” I remarked.

“I’m sure that you will do wonderfully. Soon you will meet the other Utaji, I’m sure they will be thrilled to finally meet you.” I nodded. She brought me into an adjacent room, where four other people, each holding a traditional instrument sat.

“Please allow me to introduce you.” She first gestured to a late middle-aged man. “This is Hisoka-kun, our Shamisen player.” He nodded in greeting. “Our Koto master is Shigemi-san.” A woman who looked like she jumped out of an Ukiyo-e painting smiled at me. “On the Biwa Lute is Tomomi-kun.” He was probably not much older than 20, and had a kind look in his eyes. “And lastly, Yoh-san, who plays the Shakuhachi.” The final girl didn’t show any response to Kotoko’s introduction. “Everyone, this is Kanae-san who will be our new singer.” Everyone applauded lightly or smiled, everyone that is, besides Yoh. She was a pensive-looking girl about my age. I didn’t know that there was anyone else that age besides Kotoko and me.

Kotoko smiled again. “Now that everyone is here, I believe we can begin rehearsal now.”

I smiled again, sitting down between Shigemi and Tomomi.

“Welcome, my dear.” Shigemi said quietly. I couldn’t quite tell her age through the thick traditional white make-up. “I am truly so glad, and I am sure that you will do Aiko-san proud.”

“Did you ever get a chance to meet her?” Tomomi asked.  
“Yes,” I replied. “When I was very young, when they first discovered my abilities.”

Tomomi nodded. “Same with me, I met my predecessor Kei-san then too, though I was initiated a little younger than you were. You’re about to enter high school, right? Where will you be attending?” The politeness was searing. They all had unnaturally bleached-write auras. Like someone had come and scraped out their souls.

“I will be going to Kobayashi Preparatory.”

“Is that what they’re calling it now?” Hisoka asked with a twinkle in his eye.

“Uh, yes. I assume you’re referring how it used to be just the Sohma Boy’s school.”

He nodded. “Yes, I went there when I was a boy, long ago now.” Odd, he didn’t seem _that_ old.

“So, you will be taking private music lesson, I assume?” Tomomi asked.

“Yes, with Kusunoki-sensei.”

Hisoka chuckled. “Ahh…I remember when she was _my_ student. Couldn’t hold a pitch to save her life!” The other two joined in laughing. It was a dead, hollow sound than made me feel even worse.

I didn’t know how that was possible. Kusunoki-sensei seemed _at least_ as old as Hisoka.

I turned my eyes to Yoh-san, who hadn’t said a single word, or really even looked up.

“Uh, Yoh-san,” I began.

Shigemi leaned over to me. “Yoh-san is a deaf-mute, and also a bit antisocial to top it off. She never really makes any communicative gestures, besides playing that flute.”

I did my best to extend my senses to see what she was feeling, but she too was scraped-clean and blank.

I swallowed, a sense of foreboding falling over me. Was it inevitable that I would become like them soon? Hardly even a person anymore?

 

* * *

 

The days passed swiftly as the Banquet approached. Everyone on the Sohma inside was somehow roped into the preparations at one point or another. Making new-years cakes, preparing decorations, or repairing the old costumes that needed to be used again. I was thankfully busy, as my life outside of this place was not really much that I relished either. At least this seemed just a tad less hollow.

On the day of the banquet, all went as expected. Misaki fretted for hours over my hair, and making sure that I wore my Kimono properly. By the end of it my scalp was sore and I had markedly less mobility.

As I did before, I mingled with the other guests before the Zodiac banquet. I met with Haru a few times, with him giving me constant updates.

“Shigure just arrived, _alone._ ”

“And I care _why?_ ”

“That means Yuki and Kyou are skipping.”

“Again, why should I care?”

He shrugged. “I just thought you would want to know, since your own brother is going to miss your Debut.”

“I honestly don’t care. It’s not a big deal. The same songs have been sung at the Banquet for years. He’ll probably hear me sing plenty of times in the future.” I suddenly remembered something.

He looked at me blankly, in just the right way that it started to piss me off. It pissed me off because I was suddenly calm, and couldn’t do anything about it.

  

We were called into the Zodiac dining hall, where the festivities would commence. The coming year was the year of the Rabbit, and young Momiji was to perform a dance accordingly.

I met eyes with no one and did as was required of me.

I opened my mouth to let the voice of the spirits out. A high mournful sound of ambiguous key and cadence; wandering and lilting to the end of the phrase where the drums and strings began.

My eyes closed as the colour of the music blinded me. There were flashes of vibrant hues, until eventually it all just went _white._ That same foreboding pristine emptiness I felt from the other Utaji. I stumbled, my phrase ending abruptly and my vision turned to normal. The others looked at me worriedly, but with a distance. They were lost as I once was.

The song wasn’t over, so I had to pick it up, but I changed enough notes so that I would see that place again.

I didn’t know if it was a spell or what. I didn’t care, all I know is that I was scared. The last thing I ever wanted was to become like the others. Blank sheep with nothing to live for but this twisted tradition.

The dance concluded. Momiji bowed and waved ecstatically, we were not acknowledged. We were hardly more than window dressings.

 

* * *

 

For a brief time after the song and dance, the other Utaji and I were allowed to sit with the Juunishi for the first course of the meal. I was mostly silent, keeping to myself. Even Momiji was refraining from attacking me, but he did approach me after he finished his dance in a joyous fashion.

It was decidedly not a fun experience for me. 11 stifled, dark, putrid auras all in the same place, Akito’s being the worst. But, as I thought about it more, that number seemed wrong. I recounted over and over again. Picking out each individual and even naming them. There was one who slipped my mind, because he slipped everyone’s mind. Akito’s personal “Assistant” Kureno. The only member of the Zodiac who I have never had any personal contact with. He was always secreted away, and only ever showed his face at the New Year's banquet, and even then only to Juunishi and those like me and Kotoko.

I caught sight of him through the crowd, hoping he wasn’t too far away for me to sense. But, I wasn’t familiar with his Aura, so I had no way to be sure. I had an impossible thought, and had to be sure of it.

Our course of the meal was coming to the end, so I quietly excused myself, opting to take the long way around the table to the exit. I stood up swiftly, trying to avoid eye-contact with anyone. I couldn’t have any distractions. I calculated my path amongst the servants and variously sprawled dinner guests, until I neared the head of the table where Kureno sat. Akito had left briefly as part of the ceremony for introducing the main course. It was God after all who was to offer this bounty to his beloved Zodiac.

My footsteps were small and quiet, until I purposely skewed my footing, causing me to slam into a servant and then crash into Kureno’s back. I put on the required façade of stuttered apologies as I scooted away. Thankfully, he did as I calculated. He stood up from the matt where he was standing, and offered me a polite hand up. I was thankful that Akito was gone otherwise I could be in danger. He was notably possessive of his Zodiac, _especially_ Kureno.

“Sorry miss, are you alright?”

I nodded, taking his hand.

It was all I could do to refrain from crying out as my impossible thought was proven.

  
  


Kureno’s curse was broken.


	8. The Black

Something really terrible has happened to Isuzu. Apparently she fell from a great height and has been hospitalised. It's something that I learned from Haru in our passing moments in the garden by the wall. He's even more stoic than usual, and this pains me even more for the contrast. The only times I've ever seen him truly smile was _because_ of Isuzu, as their love seems to have brought more pain than good.

"Haru?" I heard him coming, which was a rarity. Normally he snuck up on me, but, instead his footfalls were heavy. His aura was dark. It _scared_ me. I only prayed that he wouldn't go Black on me. He's now much taller than me and I wouldn't be able to defeat him.

I swung down from my branch, still keeping a safe distance. "How is Isuzu-San doing?"

"Oh she's doing just fine." he had an icy calm about him.

"Then why aren't you _happy_ about it?" He didn't answer me at first. His white shock of hair obscured his eyes, but his feelings were never louder to me than they were now.

After a few moments, he turned to me, pursing his lips to speak. "C'mon. Let's get the hell out of this place. "

His gaze was determined, and I so was intrigued. "You better stay close to me, don't want you getting lost again.” He huffed in response. Shoving his hands in his pockets as he walked to the climbable area of the wall.

His shoulders were stiff and his gait was still heavy. I was worried, I didn't want to be too close, and yet I wanted to stay and find out what was wrong.

I matched pace with him, looking up at him; yes _up_. He was taller than me now and it was infuriating beyond belief. He vaulted over the wall, waiting for me to follow. He jumped down on the other side, catching me as it was a further distance on that side. He kept me at arm’s length, it’d be troublesome if he transformed now.

I led him through the sprawling neighbourhoods of the Outside Sohma’s, and kept on to the hills beyond. Haru didn’t seem to care where we were going, nor did he seem to mind that I was leading the way.

We came to the ruins of an old abandoned shrine a decent distance away from anything resembling civilization. I paused to look at the scene, while Haru kept walking. I jogged to catch up with him. “So, are you gonna tell me what’s up?”

He stopped at the foot of the stairs, looking up at the darkening sky. “I got dumped.”

I had to refrain from scoffing or even rolling my eyes. I knew not to mess with him now, he was on the very _edge_ of going Black. The intensity of his emotions was _really_ scaring me. Rin normally served as an outlet for his dark feelings. Something for him to focus on, a goal for him to aspire to. He always had wanted to become bigger and stronger in order to protect and support her. But now that it seemed she didn’t need him anymore, he was boiling over.

“Haru…” I began. “You know, Rin is just trying to protect you. How would _you_ have acted if you were the one tossed out a fucking _window_?” I walked to his side, despite his aura being utterly repulsive to me now. “Wouldn’t you try to protect her? To make _sure_ that Akito wouldn’t hurt her too?”

“Yeah but…” He began to tremble, raising his hands to his face. “If it were just to protect me, wouldn’t she make a show of it? Make sure everyone knew we were broken up? No, she told me _alone_ , _no_ one was around. You wanna tell me that was a fucking _act_?”

“Maybe making a show of it would just make it worse.” I offered.

“God _damn_ it.” He swore, kicking a nearby pillar.

Despite myself I grabbed his arm to try and calm him down. When our skin made contact, it was all I could do to keep from _screaming_ in agony. It was like holding on to a metal rod near its melting point; like standing next to a _piercingly_ loud noise. It was so… _painful_ , but…he was my _friend_ , and I had to at least _try_ and help him.

“So what, now that Rin’s out of the picture you’re gonna try and get up on me?”

Fuck. He was black now. I released him, stumbling back away. “Get it _together_ Haru!”

“Answer my question, _Kanae._ ”                                                                                             

Bewildered, I cried back at him. Holding my hand to me chest. “Haru, I’m your _friend_. _You_ came to _me_ didn’t you?” He walked towards me, grabbing my wrist painfully.

“This hurts, doesn’t it? All my darkness, it burns like a _flame_ right?”

I writhed fruitlessly. He was the only one that I had been able to fully confess my “abilities” to. It was in confidence, but now he was using it against me. Only now did I know who I hated the most, it was Black Haru.

“Hatsuharu let me _go._ ” I said with as much authority as I could muster.

“Why, what are you gonna do?” He sneered. There was a decorative pond behind him. I had to somehow get him in there. That’s how I had cured him the last time he went black on me.

I struggled and thrashed, trying to drag him backwards. It was a shame he didn’t transform into some sort of small animal, otherwise I could try that. Though Haru was stronger when he went Black, he still had terrible form.

I wrenched my hand from his grip, ducking up his arms, zipping behind him and attempting to get him off balance. When that didn’t work, I instead started moving backwards towards to pond, taunting him with kicks and punches until he was out right pursuing me. When we reached the edge of the pond, I punched him in the stomach, then kicked at his legs, ducking back as lumbered forward on the sloped shore.

He still managed to take me down with him, I’ll give him that.

“Ahh…that’s refreshing.” I heard him say.

“Haru I swear next time you do that, I will fucking _kill_ you.” I was just pissed now, and cold. Annoyed and sad, but, I felt _betrayed_ above all else. It was really unfortunate. He was starting to go Black less and less up until now.

I trudged out of the pond, more saddened than disgruntled. “C’mon. We should go back before either of us catches cold.” I was even more put off by the fact that Haru seemed to have figured it out, the fact that at some point over the course of our fucked up lives, I had fallen in love with him.

 It was stupid and futile, and the heart was always so _damn_ fickle.

“Kanae?” I didn’t look at him. I _couldn’t_ look at him. I couldn’t even be within one metre of him.

“Haru let’s just go home.” I could hear him sloshing towards me, so I just kept walking.

“Is that what you hate the most?”

I didn’t answer him. I just kept walking, my arms wrapped around myself as I began to shiver. He was kind enough to keep his distance, since, he did know how his nearness affected me.

After a while, I finally found the will to speak. “Haru, you’re the only one besides Misaki who really knows about my stupid Empathy. And while you were Black you used that to _hurt_ me. I’m sorry but I really don’t feel like even being around you right now.”

“Then, I just hope you find someone.”

“Huh?”

“I hope you find someone that you can truly trust.”

“I can just you Haru but, only half of you.”

“That’s what I meant.”

I sighed, looking down. Slowing my pace to match him more. “Haru, you don’t understand. It’s not just Juunishi that have this contradiction, everyone has it.” I said. “Everyone has two sides. Their “outer” self and “inner”. There’s always dissonance, conflict and turmoil within everyone’s minds. I haven’t ever met anyone who defied that.”

“You haven’t met everyone yet, so maybe you will.” He grabbed me gently by the hand, and I started to feel calm. When he was White, I felt almost normal. I could actually touch him, and smile genuinely. It was one of those things that was too good to be true. I only wished that I could believe him.

I started to shake again, this time with impending tears. Haru put his arm around me, holding me to his side, urging me to walk. “Kanae, I’m sorry.” He said softly. I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping that I wouldn’t cry. “I really hope that you can find someone, to hold you when the tears come.” He sounded almost sad, I didn’t want him to feel sorry for me, it was useless, the way we were couldn’t ever change, not so easily at least.

“Thank you Haru…”

“For what?”

“For trying.”


	9. The Guilt

There was something that I would never mention. A small fact that I would always omit from my daily reports to Misaki. I was bullied. I found it silly and shameful, but it happened none the less. The other Sohma children who attended this school were all Outsiders who had this delusional dream of someday living Inside. They revered it like some demented goal. That fact alone made me loathe to be even near them. Some were jealous of me being inside the walls, others jealous of my looks, or sexually frustrated about it especially since I looked so much like Yuki. Not to mention that my grades were always good. Occasionally I would take the top spot on exams. Perhaps it was my incessant nonchalance about it that angered them further.

It was the last week before summer vacation, after the exam scores had come in, I had placed first, but sometimes it was hard to tell right away since the top 100 or so consisted wholly of _Sohma, Sohma, Sohma, Sohma._ There are children besides Sohmas here, but they are of the same breed: entitled and bored.

After walking away from the score list, I could feel a group of them following me. The mess of emotions behind me was distinct. Anger, hate, jealousy, a touch of lust. Humans seem to become only angrier at realising things that they can’t control.

There was a gang of them waiting for me. All Sohma’s from the outside. One of them was a serial offender who had been slinging comments at me since I came here.

I tried to ignore them, like the guidance counsellors always said, but they blocked me. Three boys and two girls.

“I bet you’re pretty happy right now, getting that high score.” The frontman said.

I shrugged. “So, I assume that you’re the one who got second place.” I didn’t offer anything else, just tried to shoulder past them.

One of the girls got in my face. “Hey, you can’t walk away when we’re talking to you!”

“I believe I can.” I spat, attempting to throw her off. I don’t know why they felt the need to try and get to me. I never cared about the same things they did, and whenever I didn’t react to them, they would just try and think of new things. I really think it’s them trying to justify their feelings of low self-worth. They want to erase their own inferiority by forcing it on to me.

The problem was, that I wasn’t taking any of it.

“I’m sure you think you’re so special, just because you live on the Inside.”

I shrugged again. This pissed her off enough for her to slam her shoulder into me. I let her knock me down, to give her a false sense of dominance. The others swarmed around me, backing me against a wall. I stood up, feigning an expression of fear. This seemed to be what they wanted I could feel them getting cocky, that would make them sloppy.

I knew they were arming up for something, the way they were whispering to each other and leering at me. Finally, their gem of an insult came out. The same serial offender as always.

“Feh, that worthless bitch who took you in, she only did it for the money!” That’s where my vision went red.

 **“You say one more _word_ about Misaki and I will fucking break your _neck_!” ** I growled as I slammed him into the wall by his collar. Only then did he start to realise that I wasn’t just some girl that could be picked on without consequences. I sneered at him as he squirmed. “Sorry, no mercy from me.” I kneed him in the groin and threw him to the floor. I turned on my heel and left. Making my way to the Headmaster’s office to save myself some time.

I don’t care if they insult me. Call me a slut? Fine. Whore? Bitch? Freak? I don’t care. But Misaki, she doesn't deserve any of it. She definitely doesn't deserve me as a daughter.

 

I was angry enough that I didn’t want to go straight home, so I took an uncommon detour. All I had to do was enter through the Main gate and not the side gate that was hardly more than just a missing bit of wall, and I was in the _actual_ Main Compound, with its pristine gardens and hedgerows. It all made me sick. I honestly preferred the decrepit nature of my house. Those flaws at least gave it some _character_.

No one really made any notice of my coming. None of the servants greeted me, nor did any of the older members ask how school was doing. Someday I would be one of them, and I would do the same for those who came after me.

I arrived at the far end of the compound. The windows were haphazardly ajar and the door was unlocked. Haru’s parents were the type that were hardly home, he took that as an opportunity to be more reckless than usual at times.

Passing through the entryway, I walked through the almost sterile hallways. There was potted plants that had long since died, and an outdated family photo hanging crooked on a wall. I turned my eyes away from the unfortunate sight, and allowed my feet to guide me through the mostly unfamiliar house to the undeniably familiar Aura.

The door was open, so I nudged open with my foot, glimpsing Haru sprawled on his bead reading a comic.

He looked straight at me. “Someone else who looks just like Yuki has arrived.”

“Haru please, not now.” I groaned.

“But this is the Main House.” He stood up, grabbing his digital camera and putting an arm around me. “Peace.” He said, making a peace sign into the camera.

“You know my image won’t appear on camera.” I said almost too bleakly to be a joke.

“C’mon Nezumi-chan make a peace sign.”

“You’re really trying to piss me off aren’t you?” I pushed the camera away just as it flashed. “C’mon. We don’t need photographic evidence of me coming to your room.”

“So what brings you here? Are you conspiring with Yuki?”

“What? No.”

“Because he was also just here, after being away for so long.”

“Haru, I’ve never _left_ the main house. I’ve basically been your neighbour for the last ten years.”

“But you hardly ever actually go _inside_ the main house.”

“And for good reason.”

“So why now.” He cocked his head to the side.

I flopped down on his bed, honestly a little exhausted and now a bit annoyed. “I got kicked out of school.”

“Why?” He asked honestly, sitting down next to me.

“I beat up the Dean’s son. Why else.”

“I thought Misaki told you to stop doing that.”

“She did.”

“So why did you do it?”

I rolled my head on my neck, looking up towards the ceiling. “…Because.”

“That’s not a reason.” He said flatly.

I tisked, rolling my head back towards him. “Because…” My fists clenched. “I just don’t understand them, or _anyone_. Why does it matter if I get a high score? I actually study and work hard. They just goof off and cram, relying on their natural smarts.”

“But, what did they do to you?”

“Nothing. I don’t care what they do to me. They can’t hurt me. I don’t hinge my self-worth on the opinions of others…but…”

“But what?”

I grimaced. “The one thing I can’t tolerate is if they say _anything_ bad about Misaki.” I said, my tone wavering. “She doesn’t deserve _any_ of it. She especially doesn’t deserve me as a daughter.”

Haru sighed. He was never one for shallow reassurances. He just placed a hand on my back and nudged his head gently up against mine. “Haru, I’m fine.”

“Don’t lie.” He replied, his voice mostly vibrations at this close distance.

I jerked away suddenly, becoming too comfortable with him so close. I shook myself. “Sorry.” I muttered.   
“You really shouldn’t talk like that. You shouldn’t hinge your self-esteem on anyone’s opinion, especially not your own.”

I shrugged, standing up. “You still make so little sense to me Haru.”

“Where are you going?”

“Home. I need to tell Misaki about what happened.”

“I thought you were avoiding that?”

“I was, and now I’m done.”  
\----

 

I made my way then back to my own house. It was still a bit of a walk from the main house to the outskirts.

"Nae-channnnn~~~~" The ecstatic blonde boy was headed straight for me, I blocked him with an outstretched arm.

"No, Momiji."

"But 'Naeeee! We're at the main house it shouldn't matter!"

"I haven't even changed out of my school uniform, and I have homework to do."

"But 'Nae!! You're always so busy and never have time to play anymore!!!"

Momiji was the anomaly. So bright and cheerful, almost sickeningly so. But his true aura was the same as any other Juunishi. A nauseating duality.

“That’s what happens when you grow up.” He still managed to grab hold of my arm.

“You saw me at the New Year’s banquet, didn’t you?”

“Yes, I did, I was singing. Why are you bringing this up now?”

“Because you sang so beautifully!”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

He just laughed and grabbed my arm. Still acting like a rambunctious little girl. It grated on my nerves, but was also somewhat refreshing. He unlike the other Zodiacs didn’t conceal a darkness per se, he just had a sadness that he held on to. The pain of being separated from his mother and sister because of his curse. Something I technically should be able to relate to, but couldn’t. I felt nothing for my mother and half-brothers. I was never given the opportunity. I almost thought that is was better, since there was no bond to sever.

I granted him a small smile. I was grateful for his gentle warm energy, but it too of course was tainted by his spirit.

I opted for some simple small talk. “So how are enjoying high school?”

“Oh, it’s lots of fun. Lots of nice new people and I’m glad that I get to see Tohru and the others.”

“Tohru? Is she that girl who’s been living at Shigure’s house?”

“Yep! That’s her!”

“I almost didn’t believe the rumours when I heard them. It’s a hot topic among the servants.”

“I bet! Nothing like this has ever happened before!” He skipped ahead of me a few steps, his hands behind his back. “You should meet her, ‘Nae! I think you’d like her!”

“I’m sure I will.” I said dismissively. “Haru won’t shut up about her either.”

“She’s really helped, you know. She’s even--”

“Helped Kyou and Yuki get along, I know. Must I remind you that I hang out with Haru? ”

Momiji giggled, running back and grabbing my hands. “C’mon ‘Nae-chan! Cheer up a bit!”

“I’m sorry Momiji, but today isn’t exactly the best day.”

“Oh no! What happened!?”

“It’s not the big of a deal…” I tried to break free, but he just squeezed harder.

“Was some big mean jerk mean to you?”

“Well…”

“Just tell me who he is and Uncle Momiji will teach him a lesson!” He put on an over-dramatic tough face. I think my mouth quirked a bit as was his intention.

I raised my eyebrows at him. “Momiji, I beat up the big mean jerk on my own, and that’s the _problem_.”

“Yeah! That’s my Nae-oneechan!” He pumped a fist into the air. “Fight! Fight!”

I shook my head with a small grin. “Honestly, Momiji…”

“Did that help? Did I cheer you up?”

“Yeah, sure you did, Momiji.” He smiled, joining me at my side again.

We walked idly a bit while Momiji continued to chatter. I didn’t mind at all, anything to delay the inevitable. It’s not like Misaki was going to be mad or anything. I’m sure the school had already contacted her. But, I still didn’t really want to own up to it. She never liked me getting in fights, and I felt as if I let her down.

Those thoughts are the one that have always plagued me. Feeling like I wasn’t enough. My birth mother deemed me unworthy at birth that fact seemed to taint my entire world view. Even if I wanted to completely ignore her existence, it was impossible. Weren’t blood relative the ones meant to love you unconditionally?


	10. The Guilt

There was something that I would never mention. A small fact that I would always omit from my daily reports to Misaki. I was bullied. I found it silly and shameful, but it happened none the less. The other Sohma children who attended this school were all Outsiders who had this delusional dream of someday living Inside. They revered it like some demented goal. That fact alone made me loathe to be even near them. Some were jealous of me being inside the walls, others jealous of my looks, or sexually frustrated about it especially since I looked so much like Yuki. Not to mention that my grades were always good. Occasionally I would take the top spot on exams. Perhaps it was my incessant nonchalance about it that angered them further.

It was the last week before summer vacation, after the exam scores had come in, I had placed first, but sometimes it was hard to tell right away since the top 100 or so consisted wholly of _Sohma, Sohma, Sohma, Sohma._ There are children besides Sohmas here, but they are of the same breed: entitled and bored.

After walking away from the score list, I could feel a group of them following me. The mess of emotions behind me was distinct. Anger, hate, jealousy, a touch of lust. Humans seem to become only angrier at realising things that they can’t control.

There was a gang of them waiting for me. All Sohma’s from the outside. One of them was a serial offender who had been slinging comments at me since I came here.

I tried to ignore them, like the guidance counsellors always said, but they blocked me. Three boys and two girls.

“I bet you’re pretty happy right now, getting that high score.” The frontman said.

I shrugged. “So, I assume that you’re the one who got second place.” I didn’t offer anything else, just tried to shoulder past them.

One of the girls got in my face. “Hey, you can’t walk away when we’re talking to you!”

“I believe I can.” I spat, attempting to throw her off. I don’t know why they felt the need to try and get to me. I never cared about the same things they did, and whenever I didn’t react to them, they would just try and think of new things. I really think it’s them trying to justify their feelings of low self-worth. They want to erase their own inferiority by forcing it on to me.

The problem was, that I wasn’t taking any of it.

“I’m sure you think you’re so special, just because you live on the Inside.”

I shrugged again. This pissed her off enough for her to slam her shoulder into me. I let her knock me down, to give her a false sense of dominance. The others swarmed around me, backing me against a wall. I stood up, feigning an expression of fear. This seemed to be what they wanted I could feel them getting cocky, that would make them sloppy.

I knew they were arming up for something, the way they were whispering to each other and leering at me. Finally, their gem of an insult came out. The same serial offender as always.

“Feh, that worthless bitch who took you in, she only did it for the money!” That’s where my vision went red.

 **“You say one more _word_ about Misaki and I will fucking break your _neck_!” ** I growled as I slammed him into the wall by his collar. Only then did he start to realise that I wasn’t just some girl that could be picked on without consequences. I sneered at him as he squirmed. “Sorry, no mercy from me.” I kneed him in the groin and threw him to the floor. I turned on my heel and left. Making my way to the Headmaster’s office to save myself some time.

I don’t care if they insult me. Call me a slut? Fine. Whore? Bitch? Freak? I don’t care. But Misaki, she doesn't deserve any of it. She definitely doesn't deserve me as a daughter.

 

I was angry enough that I didn’t want to go straight home, so I took an uncommon detour. All I had to do was enter through the Main gate and not the side gate that was hardly more than just a missing bit of wall, and I was in the _actual_ Main Compound, with its pristine gardens and hedgerows. It all made me sick. I honestly preferred the decrepit nature of my house. Those flaws at least gave it some _character_.

No one really made any notice of my coming. None of the servants greeted me, nor did any of the older members ask how school was doing. Someday I would be one of them, and I would do the same for those who came after me.

I arrived at the far end of the compound. The windows were haphazardly ajar and the door was unlocked. Haru’s parents were the type that were hardly home, he took that as an opportunity to be more reckless than usual at times.

Passing through the entryway, I walked through the almost sterile hallways. There was potted plants that had long since died, and an outdated family photo hanging crooked on a wall. I turned my eyes away from the unfortunate sight, and allowed my feet to guide me through the mostly unfamiliar house to the undeniably familiar Aura.

The door was open, so I nudged open with my foot, glimpsing Haru sprawled on his bead reading a comic.

He looked straight at me. “Someone else who looks just like Yuki has arrived.”

“Haru please, not now.” I groaned.

“But this is the Main House.” He stood up, grabbing his digital camera and putting an arm around me. “Peace.” He said, making a peace sign into the camera.

“You know my image won’t appear on camera.” I said almost too bleakly to be a joke.

“C’mon Nezumi-chan make a peace sign.”

“You’re really trying to piss me off aren’t you?” I pushed the camera away just as it flashed. “C’mon. We don’t need photographic evidence of me coming to your room.”

“So what brings you here? Are you conspiring with Yuki?”

“What? No.”

“Because he was also just here, after being away for so long.”

“Haru, I’ve never _left_ the main house. I’ve basically been your neighbour for the last ten years.”

“But you hardly ever actually go _inside_ the main house.”

“And for good reason.”

“So why now.” He cocked his head to the side.

I flopped down on his bed, honestly a little exhausted and now a bit annoyed. “I got kicked out of school.”

“Why?” He asked honestly, sitting down next to me.

“I beat up the Dean’s son. Why else.”

“I thought Misaki told you to stop doing that.”

“She did.”

“So why did you do it?”

I rolled my head on my neck, looking up towards the ceiling. “…Because.”

“That’s not a reason.” He said flatly.

I tisked, rolling my head back towards him. “Because…” My fists clenched. “I just don’t understand them, or _anyone_. Why does it matter if I get a high score? I actually study and work hard. They just goof off and cram, relying on their natural smarts.”

“But, what did they do to you?”

“Nothing. I don’t care what they do to me. They can’t hurt me. I don’t hinge my self-worth on the opinions of others…but…”

“But what?”

I grimaced. “The one thing I can’t tolerate is if they say _anything_ bad about Misaki.” I said, my tone wavering. “She doesn’t deserve _any_ of it. She especially doesn’t deserve me as a daughter.”

Haru sighed. He was never one for shallow reassurances. He just placed a hand on my back and nudged his head gently up against mine. “Haru, I’m fine.”

“Don’t lie.” He replied, his voice mostly vibrations at this close distance.

I jerked away suddenly, becoming too comfortable with him so close. I shook myself. “Sorry.” I muttered.   
“You really shouldn’t talk like that. You shouldn’t hinge your self-esteem on anyone’s opinion, especially not your own.”

I shrugged, standing up. “You still make so little sense to me Haru.”

“Where are you going?”

“Home. I need to tell Misaki about what happened.”

“I thought you were avoiding that?”

“I was, and now I’m done.”

* * *

 

I made my way then back to my own house. It was still a bit of a walk from the main house to the outskirts.

"Nae-channnnn~~~~" The ecstatic blonde boy was headed straight for me, I blocked him with an outstretched arm.

"No, Momiji."

"But 'Naeeee! We're at the main house it shouldn't matter!"

"I haven't even changed out of my school uniform, and I have homework to do."

"But 'Nae!! You're always so busy and never have time to play anymore!!!"

Momiji was the anomaly. So bright and cheerful, almost sickeningly so. But his true aura was the same as any other Juunishi. A nauseating duality.

“That’s what happens when you grow up.” He still managed to grab hold of my arm.

“You saw me at the New Year’s banquet, didn’t you?”

“Yes, I did, I was singing. Why are you bringing this up now?”

“Because you sang so beautifully!”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

He just laughed and grabbed my arm. Still acting like a rambunctious little girl. It grated on my nerves, but was also somewhat refreshing. He unlike the other Zodiacs didn’t conceal a darkness per se, he just had a sadness that he held on to. The pain of being separated from his mother and sister because of his curse. Something I technically should be able to relate to, but couldn’t. I felt nothing for my mother and half-brothers. I was never given the opportunity. I almost thought that is was better, since there was no bond to sever.

I granted him a small smile. I was grateful for his gentle warm energy, but it too of course was tainted by his spirit.

I opted for some simple small talk. “So how are enjoying high school?”

“Oh, it’s lots of fun. Lots of nice new people and I’m glad that I get to see Tohru and the others.”

“Tohru? Is she that girl who’s been living at Shigure’s house?”

“Yep! That’s her!”

“I almost didn’t believe the rumours when I heard them. It’s a hot topic among the servants.”

“I bet! Nothing like this has ever happened before!” He skipped ahead of me a few steps, his hands behind his back. “You should meet her, ‘Nae! I think you’d like her!”

“I’m sure I will.” I said dismissively. “Haru won’t shut up about her either.”

“She’s really helped, you know. She’s even--”

“Helped Kyou and Yuki get along, I know. Must I remind you that I hang out with Haru? ”

Momiji giggled, running back and grabbing my hands. “C’mon ‘Nae-chan! Cheer up a bit!”

“I’m sorry Momiji, but today isn’t exactly the best day.”

“Oh no! What happened!?”

“It’s not the big of a deal…” I tried to break free, but he just squeezed harder.

“Was some big mean jerk mean to you?”

“Well…”

“Just tell me who he is and Uncle Momiji will teach him a lesson!” He put on an over-dramatic tough face. I think my mouth quirked a bit as was his intention.

I raised my eyebrows at him. “Momiji, I beat up the big mean jerk on my own, and that’s the _problem_.”

“Yeah! That’s my Nae-oneechan!” He pumped a fist into the air. “Fight! Fight!”

I shook my head with a small grin. “Honestly, Momiji…”

“Did that help? Did I cheer you up?”

“Yeah, _sure_ you did, Momiji.” He smiled, joining me at my side again.

We walked idly a bit while Momiji continued to chatter. I didn’t mind at all, anything to delay the inevitable. It’s not like Misaki was going to be mad or anything. I’m sure the school had already contacted her. But, I still didn’t really want to own up to it. She never liked me getting in fights, and I felt as if I let her down.

Those thoughts are the one that have always plagued me. Feeling like I wasn’t enough. My birth mother deemed me unworthy at birth that fact seemed to taint my entire world view. Even if I wanted to completely ignore her existence, it was impossible. Weren’t blood relative the ones meant to love you unconditionally?


	11. The Following

I got kicked out of Kobayashi Preparatory school before first term even ended. I feel that this may have been an overreaction. It's not _my_ fault that the Dean is a Sohma and his son is a bastard. Though nepotism had nothing to do with my entrance to the school, it oddly enough contributed to my removal. My behaviour wasn't conducive to the family's image especially since my marks were so good. I could honestly go to just about any school that I wished with my “ _dazzling”_ test scores.

So because of that, my deciding to go to Kaibara High is outwardly puzzling. Misaki looked as if she was going to spit out her tea when I told her.

"What?” I asked innocently. “ _Four_ of zodiac children go there, it can't be _that_ bad."

She coughed a bit, holding her tea cup out towards me as she cleared her throat. "N-no. It's just that,” She cleared her throat. “I thought you never wanted to be so much as in the same _building_ as that Yuki."

"… _Yes_.” I allowed, “but three of that four are people I might actually be able to call my friends. Mostly Haru, Haru goes there. Kyou’s an idiot but we get along well enough. Momiji may be annoying, but he’s still fun to be around."

She nodded, and spoke again. "You _could_ go Namikawa with Kagura and Isuzu-san."

"Uh… _no_. Isuzu isn't really keen on me and there’s only so much of Kagura I can handle."

"Ah."

"Yuki at the most will just piss me off. Provided he knows what's good for him and stays away from me."

Misaki nodded and sat forward in her chair. "Just promise me one thing.” She held up a finger. "You must promise to be _civil_ around him and not make a scene."

I opened my mouth to retort, but gave up, and decided to oblige her. “I will not unless provoked.” I compromised.

She sighed with a strained smile. "I suppose that’s all I’m going to get out of you.” She reached up to ruffle my hair. “You go get ‘em. I know that you’re be happier there.”

Voices and emotions formed a thick cloud around me as I entered Kaibara high for the first time. Girls glared and boys stared; nothing far from the usual. Even so, there was something different about it all. Something utterly pissed me the hell off.

I kept hearing _his_ name.

I knew my resemblance to him wouldn't go unnoticed.

I heard whispers as I passed. “Is that another Sohma?”

“Yeah, and she looks _just_ like Prince Yuki!”

…

_…Prince?_

Oh no, the first one to call me _Hime-sama_ or some bullshit—

Suddenly I found myself being jerked back to reality with a pleasantry.

 “Hi, you’re the new girl, aren’t you, Kanae Sohma?” _Oh god, not one of these guys._ The peppy student council type. But in the spirit of upholding my promise to Misaki, I did my best to be _pleasant_. I gave him a simple enough polite smile. “Yes, that’s me!” The boy was raven-haired, normal enough looking.

“My name’s Tamaki Kyouhara.” He smiled genuinely in return. “I’ll refrain from the obvious queries, since I’m sure you’ll get enough of that today.” He said casually. “I mean, Yuki’s pretty popular, so I’m sure you’ve already been bombarded.” Oh god is that going to happen? Perhaps I’ve just been putting on a mean enough face so people have had the good sense to stay away.

“Yeah, I do get it a lot. I’m not his sister or anything, I’m his first cousin.”

“So are you related to the other Sohmas too?”

“Distantly. So distant that most of us don’t even bother to keep track of it anymore.”

“That’s interesting though.” Is it? Is it _really?_ “So, what class are you in? Do you know the way?”

“Yeah, class 2-D, and I’m sure I can find my way, thanks.” Most Japanese high schools were set up pretty much the same way.

“Okay, so, just let me know if you need anything, I’m in class 2-C, so hopefully we’ll run into each other again.” He smiled again, waving as he walked past me. There was no way that I could get a good fix on his aura in the crowd, but I was markedly curious. Bright shiny ones like him often had some darkness stirring underneath.  
  
            As I walked closer to the classroom, I began to sense something that bugged me. I wasn’t even expecting anything to come through, since the auras around be were so _jumbled_. But, the aura was familiar, _sickeningly_ familiar, yet I couldn’t name it right off.

I turned around, completely surprised to see who was behind me. "… _Yuki_?" Normally I was able to sense his repugnant aura from several feet away, but I was surprised to find that it had... _purified_ somehow. Maybe it was just the fact that he had been living outside of the Sohma compound for quite some time now.

"No honorifics huh?"

I scowled. "That was an emotionally scarring experience for me and you think you can make _jokes_ about it?"

He laughed. Something that was so shocking that I only half heard what he said. It took me a moment to register that his lips were moving.

         I blinked. "I'm sorry what?"

He laughed again. "I said I'm sorry, but it wasn't exactly a walk in the park for me either."

I gave a forced chuckle. "Yeah I'm sure it was. You didn't learn that you were unwanted and _worthless_ that day." I tried to brush past him. I didn't want to be late for my first class here.

"Kanae--"

"There you go holding me up _again_." I said, my forehead twinging. "I'll talk to you later okay. I'm _sure_ you won't let me escape." I said flatly, pushing open the door to the classroom. I soon found out that entering the class ahead of Yuki was a bad idea. The whole class took note. Much to my dismay.

A ditsy looking girl with dark brown hair was gaping like a fish. "Y-y-Yuki...?!" She managed to sputter.

"No, no, I'm right here Honda-san." Yuki said in a playfully exasperated tone.

"H-huh?? But she looks just like you!" The girl continued.

"My name's Kanae and no I'm not Yuki's sister. We're cousins." I stated. Kicking a kid out of a desk that was next to Kyou.

Kyou acknowledged me with a grunt.

"Good to see you too, slacker." I said.

"A whole two years and you haven't gotten any less prickly."

"I wish I could say the same for you.”

"Heh. I'm just glad you haven't gotten soft." He grinned.

"Same to you."

The bell rang, and Shiraki-sensei came in.

"Hey new girl, get up here and introduce yourself."

I complied with a groan. Trudging up to the front of the classroom. As I passed the noisy brunette, I almost stopped dead in my tracks. I was able to pick out her aura from the crowd because it was very peculiar. I could have sworn that she was a Zodiac child, I rarely felt a duality this strong beyond them, on the account of there being two spirits inhabiting their bodies.

When I reached the front, I met eyes with no one and did as was required of me.

"My name is Kanae Sohma. I just transferred from another school and look forward to getting to know you all." I bowed and returned to my seat, allowing sensei to continue.

 

  


When break came, I found myself surrounded by what almost seemed like a blockade.

"Would you look at this? Another Sohma, and a _girl_ no less." Said a tall straw-blonde Yankee-looking girl. "What's the read on her Hana?"

"Strange, her waves are very different from the others, yet, I still have a similar kind of feeling." Waves? Is she an Empath too?

"That is interesting." She directed her attention at me, finally. "So you're name's Kanae huh? I'm Arisa Uotani." She stuck out a hand for me to shake. I took it automatically. "This here is Hana, and this one over here is Tohru." I was probably the only one who thought that name was fitting. A contradiction, just like her emotions. So this was the girl everyone was in fuss about. She was painfully average- _looking,_ but, she had something to hide, something I would be very interested to know.

The others by now started looking at her.

Tohru still looked like a dying fish.

"Stop gawking Tohru, you look like a dying fish." Kyou said without turning around. I smirked

      "I'm sorry!" She gave a swift apologetic bow. "It's just, I'm used to all the Sohmas looking so unique and to be honest when you came in, I thought you were Yuki in a wig."

       "Yes Honda-san.” I wonder how long Yuki was standing there. "Me and Kanae-are actually first cousins, not just distant relatives like the others." I'm sure he's a master of half-truths by now. As this was a literal, half-truth actually.

         "Oh well that explains it." She said, still seeming a bit dazed.

         Yuki gave her a smile... Again, like, a _proper_ one. It was all I could do to conceal my bewilderment.

The next period's teacher came in and began setting up. Signalling the students to return to their seats.

"Hey Kyou," I said turning to him, "what's up with that Tohru girl anyway?"

He shrugged. "Hell if I know. " he was hiding something. There was something very interesting surrounding that girl. I'd heard whispers of her of course. An outsider living in Shigure's house no less, on top of knowing the family's big secret. Akito _must_ have something up his sleeve to allow such a thing.

"Kanae-san?" Yuki joined me as I left the classroom.

Somehow the honorific made me even more annoyed. "What?"

"I was wondering if--"

"Just get to the point.” My lavender-grey eyes surveyed him blankly. He was almost a stranger to me now.

"I would like to continue our conversation from earlier."

" _What_ conversation?” I asked bleakly.

"Any. We've never really had a proper one before."

I shrugged. "I don't really see the point.” I still didn't want to be around him. Though his aura was purer, it was still unpleasant for me as always.

“I just...” He began, “I know, we haven't exactly been on the best of terms...” He looked away from me as we left the school. “.. I never had anything against you or anything.."

I shrugged. Same with me, I just assumed that you wouldn’t want to be near me at all.”

“Now why is that?” I myself wasn’t sure anymore. I used to be able to feel it, the aversion; but not anymore.

“Perhaps I was just being childish.”

“Perhaps, but, I suspect another reason.” He said

I raised my eyebrows.

“I also wanted to apologise.”  
“For what?”  
“Well, I suppose I never fully understood your position. I suppose I just took it for granted.” I looked at him quizzically. “I suppose I was jealous, and a little angry. You had everything that I wanted, and yet, you still couldn’t be free.”  
I blinked. “I think I know what you’re talking about.” I began. “I think, at some point long ago, I was angry at you for a similar reason, but I soon learned, the horrors of being the Rat.” I said sadly.

He seemed surprised. “How much did you know?”

“I saw you one time, in your isolation room. Rin was sick, so Haru got me to come.” My eyelids lowered. “I saw, you looked like you were close to death.” I cut myself off, looking back up at him. “I’m glad you got out, and you seem to be doing _much_ better.”

“Yeah, it sure was lucky when Shigure asked me to live with him, it was out of the blue, but I’ll always be grateful.”

I opened my mouth to speak, but something at the back of my mind stopped me. Haru helped Yuki out of selflessness, and never wanted credit. Then I realised that the nagging sensation at the back of my head was actually Haru approaching us. Not surprising, he’d be taking a similar route. I turned around and called out to him as he was just coming into view.   
            “Haru! I know you’re there! Don’t think you can get out of this!”

“…How?” Yuki said in surprise.

“Just because I didn’t get possessed doesn’t mean the spirits completely ignored me.”

“Wait you--” I wonder why he didn’t know, I thought most inner Sohmas did, Haru did.  
            “Yeah, I’m a Kiireji. Utaji specifically.” I said bleakly.

“Right. Like the people who perform at the banquet every year.”

“Yeah, _exactly_ like that. I’ll be singing again this year.”

“Oh I--”  
“No, you’re not sorry you missed it. You can hear me sing other ways.”

He just smiled, then turning to greet Haru as he reached us.   
“It’s a strange sight to see you two together.” Haru said.

I rolled my eyes at him. “I _can_ be civil you know.”

“Yes, Haru, Kanae and I were just talking, like normal classmates.” The way he said it made it seem like he was trying to assure himself more than Haru.

“You should get along, you _are_ siblings.”

“Half-siblings.” I corrected.

“Three-quarter siblings.” Haru rebutted dryly.

“I’m pretty sure I never heard of that actually being a real term.”

“Just think about it. Yes you’re half-siblings, but you’re also first cousins, so you’re basically full siblings.”

I rolled my eyes. “Whatever you say, Haru.”

He just stared at me blankly. Like he always did. And like always, I could feel my anger and irritation fade away. I perked up, skipping ahead a few steps, looking up at the sky somewhat wistfully. “I’m hungry. We should get something to eat.” I turned around, seeing Haru nod almost solemnly, and Yuki smile a little nervously. “Sure,” Yuki said, his smile warming up. “That sounds wonderful, Kanae-san”

I didn’t really care too much, about any of it. I wished that I could be with them normally, and not be so reticent and distant. Even if it was almost impossible for me to function normally, I could at least try. I could concentrate, and block out the dark waves and echoes. I could focus on Haru’s white-wash, and actually try to enjoy the company of my relatives. I never had anything against Yuki himself, but his spirit. Both of their spirits. They are often referred to as “Vengeful sprits”. They are selfish and angry. Only caring about themselves. They exist still only because they couldn’t bear to be apart. Over the centuries their love and devotion fermented into the blistering hate, and then dulled into the embers of spite. They rejected that their hosts could love anyone else besides the other Juunishi. They only wanted to stay together, to stay with their “God”. It was that conflict that made my skin crawl. The spirits want so badly to stay the same and continue locked in this bond, while the hosts, all they want is to be free.


	12. The Future

"Misaki." I approached my foster mother casually with the required flyer. "There's gonna be career counselling on Monday. And even though I just transferred, it's still required."

Misaki looked up from her book, taking her reading glasses off to look at me. “Oh, of course sweetie.” She smiled, taking the paperwork, promptly putting her reading glasses back on. When you’re a child, you never really think about your parents getting older, but then little things sneak in over time. “Ahh, I remember doing these back when I was your age.” She looked over the document thoroughly. “I bet you’re wondering what you should tell your teacher.”

I shrugged. “I _suppose_. But, the Sohma family is also a company; so I can just say that I’m going into the family business, which is true.”

She took off her glasses again, “You know, you _do_ still have some freedom, you could leave, it’s not like they’re going to stop you.”

“It’s not the Elders I’m afraid of, or even Akito. They’ll threaten, and Akito might actually do something violent, but they have no power over me, they’re just _people_.” I looked down, clasping my hands together. “But there is a very real force that binds me here. The spirits chose me as much as Yuki or any of the others. Even if I left, I’d still hear the _screaming_ in my nightmares, and hear that _incessant_ song. _Nothing_ will change.”

“Kanae…” She stood up. She was still a little bit taller than me, but I wasn’t sure how long that would last. “Kanae, you will _always_ be your own person, no matter what. It doesn’t matter what you’ve been told all your life, or what you’ve come to believe. I _know_ that you are a human being; and human beings have control over their fates.” She placed her hands on my shoulders. “I took you in Kanae, because I couldn’t stand what the Sohma family was doing. I had to watch my one of my best friends suffer through her daughter’s birth and childhood. Dealing with all that additional stress of this damn family on her shoulders. My entire life has been tainted by the curse too. My own mother was caught up in the same game that your mother played, and because of that I’ve never even _met_ my brother.” I was shocked. Misaki had hardly ever mentioned her immediate family. She looked very serious, I started to understand. She saw something of herself in me.

She stepped back, letting herself calm down a bit. A soft smile formed on her face. “But…Kagura turned out okay, and you did too.” Her warm gaze turned to me. “And I believe that you can do _so much_ more, and find a life _away_ from this place.” She stepped forward again and shook me lightly to punctuate her statement.

I looked away, clearing my throat. “Thank you…M-m…” She tilted her head at me. “Thanks…mom…” The word came out as a broken croak, as I threw my arms around her. She was my mother, she has _always_ been there, and she deserved to be called as such, when it mattered.

 

“Sohma-san, thank you for coming.” Mayuko-sensei greeted as Misaki and I sat down in the conference room.  
            “Not a problem Shiraki-san.” Misaki smiled. “You want to know about Kanae’s goals in life, as I understand it?”  
            “Basically, yes. Just to make sure that she has a plan in place, and that she is taking the appropriate classes now to prepare for that.”

Misaki nodded and smiled. “Yes of course,”

Mayuko-sensei began looking through the papers on her desk. “As I understand it, Kanae was expelled from her last school for disciplinary reasons, and is enrolled in this school on a probationary tuition. Her grades were impeccable, if she can keep this up for the next testing period, she will be cleared to enrol in our sister cram school for next year.”

“Actually,” Misaki looked at me, “go ahead, tell me.”

“I don’t want to be enrolled in cram school. I know the main house took care of that for me, but, it wasn’t my choice.”

“That’s fine, Kanae-san. I’ll make note of that.” She scribbled on her paper. “And you want to join clubs right?”

I nodded. “Yeah, I’ve talked to the Choir club advisor. I can sit in this semester and if I’m lucky they’ll let me sing at the Culture Festival.”

“That sounds great, Kanae, glad you’re getting involved.” She scribbled a little more on her paperwork. “The only thing left is to talk about your future career path. What do you have in mind?”

“I…” I cast my eyes down. “I’m not really sure.”

“You could try to do something with music, go on to university and study it there.” Mayuko-sensei suggested.

“I…could.” Though I did love singing, I found it tainted and weighted down by its true purpose. “Maybe I could…learn the piano.”

“That’s a start.” She made another note.   
She turned to Misaki. “Sohma-san? Do you have anything else you want to tell me?”

“No, I trust Kanae, she can make her own decisions.”

“Thank you very much for coming in.” We stood up, saying our polite goodbyes to make room for the next appointment.

I felt fine. And I was glad for that. I even felt a little hopeful. I walked with her outside the school, and stopped at the gate.

“Have a safe trip home,” I said to Misaki.   
“Huh?” She turned back to me. “Aren’t you done with school for the rest of the day?”

“I told you, I have Choir Club.”

“That’s right, I’m so proud of you, and I hope that you have fun.”

 

When I went back inside the school, I suddenly caught sight of Tohru, along with… _Shigure_ …I grimaced.

“Oh ho ho.” Shigure laughed the edge of his kimono sleeve covering his mouth. “When Yuki told me that his _lovely_ sister began attending this school too, I almost didn’t believe him!”

“I’m just going to ignore you.”

“It’s a shame I never see you, I wanted to tell you how _lovely_ I thought your singing was, and how I look forward to your singing again this year.”

“Ehh?!” Tohru exclaimed, looking from Shigure to me. “You sing, Kanae-san? That’s so amazing!”

“Uhh…yeah… _thanks_?”

Shigure gave her an amused look. “Now now, Tohru-kun, now’s not the time to give Kanae-chan the 20 questions.”

“Oh!” She said, with a look of almost laughable horror. “I-I’m sorry!”

I gave an awkward smile, starting to walk away.   
            “Goodbye Kanae-chan! Come see uncle Shigure soon!” I swear…that bastard…

I was walking so swiftly that I accidentally ran straight into someone. A male student, I surmised.

“Oh! I’m sorry, I didn’t see you there!” It was that peppy guy from the first day of school. _Dammit, I still can’t really sense his Aura clearly._

“No it was me that ran into you. Don’t apologise so much. It comes off as pathetic.”

“Ah, thanks for the advice.” He…didn’t _sound_ sarcastic or reproachful. I wasn’t quite sure what to make of it.

“Did you have your conference already?”

“Yes, but I don’t see how that concerns you.”

“Wow, you really don’t do small talk at all, do you?”

“I think it’s pointless. Is that a problem?” I gave him a somewhat suspicious look.

“No,” he replied with a smile. “I find it quite refreshing, actually.”

An older man cleared his throat from behind the boy.

“Tamaki-sama, we really must be going. We must hurry. Your father will not tolerate tardiness in the slightest.”

“Of course, Tanaka-san.” He smiled _politely_ at his…his Valet? Butler?

_Wow he must be some sort of big shot, or his father’s just a rich asshole._

            At that point, _Tamaki-sama_ turned back to me, and smiled. “It was nice running into you, I hope we can meet again.” It was still so odd to me how his politeness actually seemed real. Now I was _really_ curious. Seriously, there had to be something. Some dark past or deep-rooted resentment.

            I watched him go before I pushed to be free from the crowd. Once I found some free space I felt better. Less on-edge. Rarely did I find myself intrigued like this by anyone. Most people were all-around the same. Petty, selfish, angry, regretful, shameless. But, every once in a while somewhere I would see a flicker of something different. More often than naught it was just a fluke or a falsehood.

            Humans cannot escape their base desires, no matter how much they hope to deceive themselves.

           

 

 

The next day was when Yuki’s moth—my _aunt_ finally decided to show her miserable face. She was as entitled as ever, being the only one who needed to reschedule. I knew as well as any other that Yuki’s Parents used all their “Zodiac Money” to live it up as far away from their children as much as possible. It made me sick. Yuki looked rather distraught when I saw him go meet her. I admit that my blood also ran cold at the sight of her, remembering that day when I first discovered the curse.

I was around, most classes were off and we had free-study period. I heard a commotion near the conference room. I came across Kyou who seemed to be avoiding the crowd.   
            “What the hell’s going on over there?”

“That idiot Ayame decided to show up. He’s busy making a scene as you would expect.”

“I bet.” He was his usual slumpy self. He seemed a bit grouchy. “Why are you still here? You know you could just go home if you wanted to.”

“Tch. Yeah, I know, why do you think I was leaving? I’m probably gonna go to the Dojo.” His face softened only slightly, turning to me. “Wanna come? You haven’t been around in a while.”

“I have club after school so I have to stick around. I’ll come around after that, kay?”

“Sure.” I let him walk ahead of me. It was nice to see him at least _try_ to be social.

I went the opposite direction to find something to do until club.

After waiting around a while, I found that I was still worried about Yuki. I had no idea if he’d be in class or if he decided to just go home. I wondered what happened. I can’t imagine that his mother was very conducive to whatever Yuki wished. From what I could gather she had a _very_ ridged view of things.

I saw him when he was making the rounds during club hours. I had recently joined the choir club as a trial member, and decided to say something before I forgot.

“Hey, Yuki-kun.”

He smiled pleasantly. “Hello, Kanae-san.”

“You doing alright? You seemed kinda upset when your mother showed up.”

His smile was thin. “I’m alright Kanae-san, thanks for your concern.”

“Yuki, there’s no use lying to me.”

“I suppose not.”

“I just…” I pressed my lips together. “I know we’re not that close, but,” I brought to mind the feeling I got from him, the desperate, cold feeling. One that I hadn’t felt from him since we were children. “But, you…we…you could tell me about it, if you want. Sometime, someday.” I shook my head. “Sorry, I probably sound ridiculous.”

“No, no, Kanae-san it’s okay. I don’t mind, and I appreciate the offer.”

I nodded. “I can see you are busy, but, just, I would like to help…if I can.”

He “smiled” again. “Thank you Kanae-san, I really appreciate it.”

I withdrew. I wasn’t going to get through. It was naïve of me to try now when we weren’t even that close. I wanted to help, his pain was so evident to _me_ , while it was so easy for everyone else to ignore.

“S-sorry for interrupting your duties.” I mentally punched myself as I watched him walk away. I felt so stupid and useless.

 

That afternoon, I upheld my promise to Kyou and visited the Dojo. My official lessons were ceased when I entered high school, since I was supposed to only focus on music, according to the main house. Kazuma greeted me warmly as always, Kunimitsu even showed his face for a brief moment.

I changed into my Karate robes, walking through the different chambers until I came to the open warm-up area, where I hoped to find Kyou.

“Oi.” I said in greeting.

He finished his practice form with a round-house kick on the practice dummy before acknowledging me.

“Hey.” He did the ceremonial bow to end his forms, then did some warm-down stretches.

“Just finishing up?”

“Yeah, just enough to make sure I don’t go soft.” It was funny, he was so much taller now. I had so many memories of him here when we were younger, seeing tiny little Kyou trying to kick at the full-sized punching bag.

_“Idiot, you’re going to hurt yourself.”_

_“Shut up Kanae. You’re not the boss of me.”_

_“So what? If you hurt yourself now you won’t be able to complete the trials next week. I’m already a belt ahead of you, you need to catch up.”_

_“Whatever. Someday I’m gonna beat you **and**_ _that stupid rat!”_

_“Hey! Don’t put me in the same category as him!”_

_“Hey! Let go of me!”_

The memories of that time were fragmented. Some of them happy, some of them not, most of them just…blank.

“Hey…” He waved a hand in front of me. “You still in there?”

I jerked back to the present, looking up to meet his peculiar gaze.

“Wanna spar? I haven’t been practicing much, so you might _actually_ beat me.” I teased.

“Tch. I’ll beat you just like that goddamn rat-boy.”

“You mean not at all?” I sidestepped as he swung at me. I quickly countered him, only to be blocked. He attempted to grab my arm and break my defence but I broke free, stepping around him to get a better angle.

He responded by adjusting his stance expertly “Take that! He yelled, swinging a punch that I ducked.

I was at a disadvantage because of my smaller size, he could easily over-power me, but his legs were long and his centre of gravity high, all I had to do was—

“D-dammit!” He swore as he fell to the ground, me with him. We both landed painfully in a tangle of limbs and hair. I had miscalculated and had lost my step, causing me to land awkwardly on top of him. He didn’t transform as I was able to keep myself aloft, only just. We both panted a bit winded and pissed off.

Just as, the fates decided to be a bit fickle.

There was a shocked, high-pitched gasp, and then words that were mostly stuttering. “I-I-I-I-‘m-m…s-s-o s-sorry! I-I-I didn’t mean to interrupt!” I rolled away, cursing loudly along with Kyou. He was notably flustered.

“Should I try and help explain?” I asked, laying sprawled out on my back.

“No…” He groaned, standing up. “I’ll take care of it.” He was obviously much closer to Tohru than I was. But I still wanted to tag along, curious on how Kyou would interact with her, since apparently he was actually a human being around her; and according to Momiji, he was totally in love with her.

I waited a few moments, and then pursued them, instantly finding myself entertained when they came in to ear shot as neither of them were really getting anywhere as to actually _communicating._

“Honda-san.” I said in a firm voice. “Stop freaking out. We were sparring and we fell over.” Only then did I actually look at them. Kyou had his hand on either side of her head, apparently trying to calm her down, and she just looked extremely flustered.

I elbowed Kyou in the side. “Oi, that’s not how you treat a lady!” He grunted, jerking away. I put an arm on Tohru’s back. “Come with me, Honda-san. Let’s get you some tea.”

She nodded, already calming down a bit, outwardly at least. It was really a bad idea for me to touch her. She didn’t burn like Akito or Black Haru, she festered. The bright light of here willpower frothed and writhed around, trying desperately to hide a seething blackness below.

“Kazuma-Shishou?” I called as I made my way to the kitchen. “I’m sure he won’t mind.” I let Tohru go, letting Kyou guide her to the sitting room. “I’ll make tea.”  
            “Oh no…” Tohru said, breaking from Kyou. “I can do it! To apologise!”  
            “Honda-san. I said I’m making the tea, now go sit down before I _make_ you.” I said with a contradictory smile.

She complied with a swift bow. I turned my back to them, taking out the tea-pot and filling it for three.

As the pot was boiling, I leaned up against the counter. I could glimpse the two of them, just sitting and talking. I couldn’t hear them from this distance, but I did my best _just_ to see them. I watched their facial expressions, and saw how they reacted to one another. The people I was seeing were completely different from what I felt, but that didn’t make it any less real.

The teakettle shouted at me, and I took it off the heat quickly.   
            “Hey? Any cream or sugar?” I called to them.  
            “Two sugar, one cream, please.” Tohru smiled at me.  
            “You know I like it black,” Kyou said.  
            I nodded, taking out the sugar and cream for Tohru. I sometimes like a little cream in mine, but today I just wanted it black.

I brought them their tea, and joined them at the table. Kneeling properly as I always did. Kyou had his legs sprawled to the side, but Tohru was taking the proper approach like I was.

I sipped my tea placidly, secretly hoping that Tohru wouldn’t—

“Ahh! The tea is delicious Kanae-san!”  
            _Dammit._

I swallowed my mouthful with slight difficulty. “Thanks, it’s nothing much. I’ve been the one to make tea since I could hold a tea kettle.” I smiled candidly.

“Oh, so do you cook mostly too?”

“No, my mom can handle most of that. I can handle cold stuff pretty well. I always tend to overcook things otherwise.”

“Ah, I was wondering. Since Yuki-kun can’t really cook, I was just wondering if you were the same.”

My eyebrow twitched. I took another sip of tea to calm myself. “Yeah, no. Me and Yuki were brought up very… _differently._ ”

“Ah, and, if you don’t mind my asking, do you live near the others in the “Inside”?” She may look docile but she was surprisingly bold.   
            “Yes, more or less. My house is Inside, yes.”

“Ah, but, you aren’t a cursed animal are you…”

My hands clenched around the cup. I felt Kyou look at me worriedly. “No, no I am not. I am not so _fortunate._ ” I said, a considerable amount of venom leaking into my voice.

Kyou decided to speak up. “Hey Tohru, I’m hungry, could you whip us up something?”

“Oh, of course, Kyou-kun.”

I groaned, collapsing onto the table as she skipped away. Honestly, that girl.   
            “Please…try not to kill her.” He said.

“Wasn’t I _trying_ hard enough?” I groaned.

He sighed. “Y’know she doesn’t mean any of it.”

“I know…” I sighed. “But how on earth does she manage to say the exact _wrong_ things?”

“I honestly am trying to understand that too.” I sensed his posture relax, and I felt his aura soften. “But y’know, most of the time, she knows how to say the exact _right_ things.”

I looked at him. “I guess so. Like, how the hell did she get you and Yuki to get along?”

He sighed. “She didn’t _get_ us to do anything. Despite what you may have heard.” His eyes opened, looking up. “I don’t know, I don’t really need to explain it.”

“You don’t need to.” I assured. “Your Aura says enough. She hasn’t _changed_ you per se, she just… _distilled_ you.” I still wasn’t 100% on my word choice.  
He gave a light chuckle. “That’s _one_ way to put it.”  
I laughed in return. “I’m glad, it means I can actually stand to be around you longer!”  
            “Hey! What’s that’s supposed to me!” He swung a playful punch at me and I blocked him.          

It was sad that it was so strange for us to be this normal.


	13. The Breeze

I was in a downtown area that I wasn’t familiar with, looking for something specific. A gift, that shouldn’t be too hard to find. I was never much for fashion or accessories, so I had no idea where to find what I needed, but I was determined. That’s what friends did as I understood it.

There were people all around, so I was already on edge. I had hoped to go during a time with less traffic, but I suppose anytime on a Saturday was bound to be busy.

And even through the thick cloud of people, I somehow was able to hear my name being called.

 “Sohma Kanae-san?” I turned at the sudden address, I didn’t recognise the aura right away, so I was very confused.

“Who are you.” I narrowed my eyes at him.  
“Come on, it’s me, Tamaki. We met not too long ago.” He said defeatedly.

“…”

“We’re schoolmates, that has to count for _something_.”

“Sure. Was there something you wanted?” I remembered him. The preppy guy.

He raised an eyebrow. “Maybe I just wanted to say hi.”

“Okay.”

He laughed nervously. “Are you shopping? Mind if I join you?”

“I don’t see why not. Do you know this area?”

“Yeah, I guess you could say that.”

“Good. Because I have no idea where to go.”

“I’m sure I can help you out.” I was apprehensive, because his Aura was conspicuously pure. He wasn’t totally white. No one was, Haru was proof enough of that, but he was close. He was a very very light blue, and getting lighter it seemed.

“So what are you looking for?”

“A gift.”

“Oh, who for?”

“A friend.”

“Oh?”

“Yes.” I confirmed.

“Do you need ideas?”

“No, I know what to get, I just have no idea _where_.”

“I’m sure I can help. My father even owns one of the big department stores, so maybe I can get you a discount.”

I rolled my eyes. “Not only are you an honour-student class rep, but you’re also a rich kid? Who would have thought?”

“I really wouldn’t complain about that _Sohma-san._ ”I winced. I suppose I didn’t mind him calling me by my first name, since I oh-so-despised my last name.

“Shut up.” I grumbled. “Okay, you know Hatsuharu, right?”

“Yeah, everyone knows about him.”

“Uh-huh, well, it’s his birthday soon so I’m getting him a gift.” I didn’t _actually_ know when his birthday was, but it had been about a year since the last time I bought him something, so it seemed right.

“So, I’m guessing my father’s stores won’t help you much.”

“Unless he owns a goth-loli store, no.”

“We could take a train to the Harujuku district…” I gave him a blank look. “You don’t know what that is…?” I shook my head. “You’re a _girl_ who lives in _Tokyo_ and--”

“Sorry, I suppose I never got out much when I was a kid. My family is the _traditional_ type. Most of the main house doesn’t really even have electricity.”

“Oh, I see.” He smiled, “C’mon, there’s an area near here that will give you an idea of what to expect. Some little niche stores and stuff.”

“You know this _why_?”

“I’m gonna go into the business soon, so I’m expected to understand the economic climate.” He shrugged.

“Okay, sure, let’s go.”

He led me through the throngs of people, something that was rather unpleasant for me. I kept close, and Tamaki seemed to notice.  
            “Kanae-san? Are you alright? You look kind of ill.”

“N-no…I just—I just _really_ don’t like crowds.”

“Oh, I see, that’s fine. I can understand how it can make people uncomfortable.” I’m not sure you can, but the sentiment was nice. “Here, I think I have an idea.” We veered off the path into a small side-street. “This route will take a little longer, but I’m sure it will make you feel better.”

I was momentarily shocked. Why was he being so nice? And _how?_ His Aura was very pure, but not unnaturally so like the Utaji. I was inclined to be suspicious, but it was hard when he seemed so _genuine._ “Th-thanks…” I managed to utter.

We were silent, which was even worse since the area around us was nearly devoid of people or crowds. He eventually let go of me, not wanting to seem rude or creepy I think.

“Here,” he said after a while. “This area may have what you’re looking for.” There were a smattering of small boutiques and specialty stores. The most irritatingly ornate one caught my eye. Then I actually read the sign.

“Wait, oh _god_.” But it was too late. It looked like Ayame was leaving anyway, then he spotted me.

“Oh! Kanae-chan! My dear little sister has returned home at last!”

“Sister?” I heard Tamaki utter. I grabbed his arm and ushered him away.   
“Sorry, Ayame-san! I’m very busy and I have to go!”

“Oh, how could you be too busy for family!?” Dammit, he was coming closer. I couldn’t risk him transforming in front of Tamaki. “And who is your _handsome_ friend here? Your secret lover beyond the Sohma walls? How romantic!” I swerved out of the way, releasing the thoroughly confused Tamaki.

“Ayame-san!” I yelled.

“Yes, my dear?” He said, completely oblivious. I had to avoid a scene.

“I—I’m looking for something. Perhaps you can help me!”

“Of course, of course. We have a vast selection of wedding gowns for you to elope--”

“Ayame!” I flushed. “Stop jumping to conclusions!”

“Of course, I would _never_ do such a thing.”

I groaned. “Kyouhara-san, this is my cousin, and Yuki’s older brother, Ayame-san.” I flashed him a deadly glare. “And Ayame, Kyouhara-san is a schoolmate of mine. He was helping me shop.”

“Ah, yes of course, I understand completely.” Ayame nodded, placing a hand on his chin.

Tamaki was at the very least at a loss for words. “Oh, I remember now, you came on Yuki-san’s conference day…”

I rolled my eyes. “Don’t remind me.”

Ayame took an overly dramatic pose as he began speaking once again. “Oh, but my only regret is that I was not able to behold the beauty of my beloved imouto-san!”

Tamaki gave me a look as if to ask: _“Why does he keep calling you that?”_

I just sighed and directed my gaze back to Ayame.

“Ayame…”

“No! Please! You must call me Onii-sama!”

“No, Ayame, I’m not going to do that.” I deadpanned, while grabbing both him and Tamaki by the arms. “Let’s just get out of the damn street first.”

 

Inside, I felt like I was going to _drown_ in ruffles and silk. This was definitely not what I was looking for, but it had to at least be a start, maybe.

“Ayame-san.” I pushed past some unkempt bolts of clothing.

“Yes, Kanae-chan? What is your desire?” He said.

“Well…” I continued to think. I could hear that Tamaki was attempting to be sociable with Miné-san. I’m sure it was entertaining. “I….”

“Don’t be ashamed, Kanae-chan!” He grabbed both of my hands, looking at me forlornly.

“I--” I said, with a wide-eyed awkward smile. “I just wanna get something nice for Haru. Maybe…something that would remind him of Isuzu?”

“Oh! Of course!” He released me with such force that I almost lost me balance. “Something that symbolises their unity! I have just the thing!” Ayame rushed off into the frilly abyss that was the back of his shop, calling for Miné-san to join him.

Tamaki walked up to join me. “What’s that about? Who is…Isuzu-san?”

“Haru’s…girlfriend…?” I said, stretching out the word with my uncertainty.  
            “Well, is she, or isn’t she?”

“ _Teeechnically_ , she broke up with him, but it’s complicated, since I know they’re still both really into each other.” I became slightly more serious, thinking of a way to fudge it for Tamaki. “It’s…not considered proper among our Family.” I supplied weakly.

“What? Are they that closely related?”

“No…” I panicked, searching desperately for another explanation. “There’s a whole lot of complicated rules about…marriage and… _stuff_.”

He raised an eyebrow at me. “Is there really?”

“Yeah. Lots of old-money bullshit going on. Very boring.”

He gave a slight laugh. “I’m _sure._ ” His expression softened. “You sure you don’t wanna tell me? I like a good boring story about old-money bullshit.”

I rolled my eyes. “I’m sure you do.” I scowled.

 “Here it is!”

“What is it?”

“It is a horseshoe-nail pendant!”  
“…why?”

He looked at me, utterly appalled that I didn’t understand. “Why the reason is obvious! It is a symbol of their everlasting love!”

“So…their love is a small metal object used to piece into the feet of innocent animals, got it.”

He made a dramatic pose. “It is a symbol, because it is the tool that secures a horse’s strength and versatility, like dear Isuzu-chan! She is a vestige of strength and resilience!”

“I still think it’s weird.”

Tamaki, who seemed to be suppressing a laugh the whole time, finally spoke up. “I think it’s perfect. You wanted something that would remind Hatsuharu-san of Isuzu-san right? And I think it would go perfectly with his sense of style!” He seemed very amused by all this.

I rolled my eyes. “Fine, I’ll take it.” I took the pendant, reaching into my bag for my wallet. “How much?”

He grinned wide, forming his fingers into a circle. “How could I charge my dear little sister for such a thing? Who could I call myself your brother then?”

“You’re not my brother.”

He fell back, behaving as if he had been shot. “Rejection! I have been rejected!”

“You ignored me just like you ignored Yuki, I’m not as much of a pansy as he is.”

“Kanae! You mustn’t speak of your brother like that, it is unbefitting a _lady_!”

I didn’t have to take this. “I don’t have any brothers, Ayame. I _never_ did!” I turned sharply on my heel, grabbing Tamaki by the hand. “C’mon, we’re going.”

He didn’t really complain, and I didn’t heed Ayame as he called after me.

As we walked, Tamaki ventured a question.

“Do you, do you mind explaining a bit of what just happened…?”

“Yes I do mind.”

:”Oh.”

“At least right now, I’ll just get angrier if I talk about it more. Ask me some other time.”

“Oh? Does that mean I can see you again?”

“Hm?” I looked at him, surprised. “Sure, I don’t see why not.”

He laughed suddenly. “Ah, I understand, Kanae-san.”

He was courteous enough to let me steam a bit on my own again. I was yet to fully dissect why exactly I was so angry. Perhaps it was because I felt that Ayame was being presumptuous. To think that his blood relation to me would in any way excuse him of his actions. I don’t believe in blood ties. I never have. Blood ties have betrayed me since the day I was born.

 

At the train station, we said our goodbyes.

“Wait, Kanae-san.” He reached into his pocket, pulling out his phone. “Let’s exchange cell-numbers!”

“Not only is that revoltingly cliché; but, I don’t actually _have_ a cell phone.”

“Not a problem.” He reached into his bag, pulling out a pen and a scrap of paper. I waited as he wrote something there. “Here, just in case you wanna reach me for any reason. Let me know how Hatsuharu-san likes his gift.”

“Sure thing.” My words dropped like pebbles as he left. I felt a strange matted feeling rise up in me. Was I…sad? Sad to see him go? But why would I be? I hardly knew him.

It was sad to see anyone go, I suppose. He was the first person outside of the Sohma family I’d had any real extended interaction with. For me it was like a sweet sea breeze. He reminded me of the trip I took to the sea when I was a child. I remember Misaki taking me by the hand and leading me to wade in the sea surf. It was that clean, clear feeling that I remember.

The train whistle blew, and I started, boarding the train before it left without me. When aboard, I pressed my face to the chilled glass, straining to watching him go like a child after her parent.

“Tamaki…san…” I said ponderingly. “We will meet like this again.”


End file.
